2008 - October
Yet another new month begins. A section in my life filled with thirty days, filled with twenty four hours, filled with sixty minutes, filled with seconds, and the longer you can count, the further the count can go. But what do all these units really measure? It takes me between two and fifteen minutes to type a section of one hundred meaningful words, but it takes only a few seconds to truly appreciate a moment in life, to view something from a new angle, to notice something you never noticed before, and have thoughts flash through your mind. Blink.
Everything that comes after the first is always worse. The sequel of a movie, the runner in a marathon, the minute in a tenminute torture session, the lesson after the first, every year that passes after the current one, the second portion of a meal, the number of heads on a fish. Which things work the other way around? Week days, maybe. Maybe over throwers of evil regimes, maybe chances. I don't like seconds. They construct our days, limit our freedom, bar us constantly and bare their fangs, not letting us go. Endowing us in fumes we cannot climb from.
A world of evil deeds
With evil dreams to feed
A book from which I read
A page on which I read
The fantasies of madmen
Consume me as I resume
A journey through their pages
Lying in my room
I'm shocked, dread, disturbed
Their whispers cold as hell
Still I cling to the tales
The stories that they tell
I should just shut the cover
I should just say farewell
Chained to the cover of cover I stay
And dream obscene things the nights away
I've been sitting my my computer for over twelve hours every day so far this week, from early morning to late night, always being sure to walk a few kilometers and eat three meals inbetween the constant screensitting. Why do I sit here? So much to do, and it seems like the more I sit here the more tasks I gain. Problem is I don't tend to start with the tasks at hand, I start something new, something a bit more fun, and as the projects develop the older projects grow bigger, they pile and pile, not worth a while.
Sleep is important. It's strange, sitting by the computer seems to drain the energy right out of you, you can barely keep your eyes fully open, your back straight, your senses at their highest levels, but then when you abandon it all that energy you thought you didn't have comes right back. More specifically when daybreak is gone and you fall down into bed to drift away into a peaceful sleep. No sleepiness there anymore, no no, suddenly minds are clear like crystals, eyes filled with flames of burning hope. Is the body saving up energy? Not letting the screen consume?
Energy is important. It's strange. It seems that the more you exercise the less energy you receive. In the long run it seems like I have more energy after I've spent a few months outside and start spending time infront of the screen instead. I can't waste all the energy I need to, even if it's drained away all day it disturbs my peaceful sleeping hours. I read a book about how to sleep better. Sais you need lots of sunlight and you need a bedroom for nothing else than sleeping ( so you don't relate the bedroom to other things than sleep ).
It's also important to exercise a lot, eat regularly, but not too much, or two often, and too relax. If you feel too hyper, try to talk slowly in your mind, and if you twist and turn in bed, don't make too fast movements. It might seem like your shifting yourself to a better sleeping position, but it's really just reflexes to keep you awake. I realize that when I sleep the best I don't move at all, I just lie down in bed, breath heavily, think of nothing particular at all, and wake up with relevance of time gone.
It's strange. I seem to write the best poetry at the oddest times of day, and at my least focused forms of mind. When I'm falling asleep, when I wake up at four in the morning, when I'm at a strangers house (well, never complete strangers, but another home than home) I always write the most poetic verses. They come by themselves, inspired, not by my obligations or progress but by the things around me or inside me that I don't have the mental strength to revoke. I wonder if all poets are timesome insomniacs, or if it's just me?
I've been a bit late writing these daily onehundredword messages this month, but now I've finally caught up, even wrote todays blog in advance, so this is theoretically part of todays blog, today, yesterday, what does it matter. Literally it is already tomorrow, so I suppose I should be sleeping instead, but I let my random damblings riddle on and let you know what planet I am from. I can't think clearly, so don't expect me to write clearly, when I'm this weary, it's good all us humans have instincts to guide us.
Been a lousy day today, just as the rest of the week. I woke up sometime after eight, sat down by the computer and started watching my newly gained favorite anime Avatar before breakfast. I was only planning on watching a few episodes before dealing with the massive projects piling ontop of me, but one episode turned into a little more than twenty episodes, and now it's nightfall. Still I haven't accomplished more than some regulatory community services on interwebulatory sites and a few modified pictures. And I didn't eat breakfast until lunch either . . . time for a refreshing shower.
I woke up early today, awoken by the words spoken by my mother. She said the pancakes were in the oven and that he would be coming by ten. I thought I was still dreaming, I asked who, she answered David, and I realized that I should have remembered it. I jumped out of bed with a backflip and landed swiftly in my sneakers, jumped out the window to the balcony a story below and once again over the balcony fence down to the street. David was waiting there, soaked by the downcoming rain. "I'ma go get an umbrella" I said. "K".
Fate strikes in, like a whip of whim! Sometimes so thick, sometimes so thin. Sometimes filled with pain, sometimes filled with sin, it whips me again, and I spit on it's chin. I spit without regard, yet I'm chained at it's rim. I spin I swirl can't shake it off can't escape it's solemn shadow. Wherever I go the sun shines below, it waits for me by the tips of my toes. I feel the sun burn, wherever I turn, the shadow won't help me to safety. Fate can't be trusted, not if you must live. Just let it be.
Like salamander grains, passed through the bask of Octobers witfull rain! Cold and untold I'm surprised I'm still sane. I sign the refrain, I sign the refrain. Like Tupac Shakur I feel plain, strained like a needle I feel failed like a flame, that burns old and reaches for more energy that tempts it doesn't let it be resents its needs, but it can't reach it can't burn high enough to cover the bloodred sky! All that I adore, all that I adore and more. Swift winds hit the floor, let me fly, let me soar, push me up, and away.
The day passes by
Not a cloud in the sky
I sit inside, read my mind!
What do I want to do
The minutes tick along
I wait for the calming going
It strikes through twelve times
When the sun as highest shines
I wait I wonder I wish
That the earth was different than this
That we ran through greener meadows
And drifted through minceful bliss
That the countries were at peace
And a great technological decrease
Swept the world like a humming bird
And we all went out together.
Into the sun
Into the shadows
Into the rivers
I woke up early yesterday, earlier than I've woken up in weeks! And the routine seems to stick with me today too! I'm still going to bed as late as always though, which apparently isn't that good since I'm today tired as hell. Nevertheless, I'm going on a jogging tour for half an hour in about an hour with a buddy of mine. Just recently started this routine, three times a week, and it's really making my life healthier already. I notice changes already, like waking up in the morning, so maybe in a few days I can sleep too.
I woke up early today, slightly before seven, tired, deprived of my dreams. Lay there for a few minutes fumbling with my motivation thinking about getting up, but not quite thinking enough about it, until suddenly with an unrealistic boost pulling myself out of the comfortable half sleep I'm in. Threw on some clothes, turned on the computer, thought about starting the day by writing down a daily portray on 100words.com, but thought better and threw together ten HTML/CSS layouts instead. Now I have so much more to write about.
It's the middle of the night, and I hear someone scream. I wake up, darkness. In my dream my buddy Bear was staying with is, it was both a good and bad dream. He arrived with me and dad in a taxi, an alternate world. He said "Honestly, Pierre is a better friend than you". "Yeah, he's a good person", I replied, hurt. He didn't mind. Maud was working on breakfast. Despite it being autumn the day was unrealistically warm, and the pool outside our house (not really there) was filled with people, just lying around. We entered, and that's when I awoke.
Five apples, what I ate for breakfast. I don't know, know what I'll eat next. I know I'll get, presents for Christmas. And those I'll open, without regret. I know I had, I had few past years. Had a few past days, I wished they were now. But now that I am, that I am the gleaming. I seek my meaning by the heavens above. But if there aren't heavens, there isn't fate, it's never to early, never to late. Believing in vein? Man what a waste, but this is just a circle, this is just a phase, of the life that passes by.
The main thing occupying my life lately has been Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. More specifically a mod I'm making for it, and which I'll proudly be releasing v0.4 of later this evening. If you're interested, you can find more info at cyberdb.org/gtasa. It will replace all 204 vehicles with retextured ones, all landscapes with much more detailed textures, all weapons with brand new ones, and add some nice additional features to the game as well. Full list of things you can find on the site. I have been working on this project for seven days straight now.
At least half day each day. I'm tired of it, so I won't be working anything on this for a while.
Other than that? I've started jogging again, three kilometers three times each week, I sent the cookie Dr. Salvadork so rightfully deserved, I've worked up a dozen new layouts, met up with my buddy Andreas after a three month awaystay, reviewed a little, studied a little, looked around for jobs. It irritates me that I keep pushing certain tasks ahead of me though instead of getting them done right away, something I'll be sure to change, soon. Yay yay to another day! K.
You can search America, France, Japan, Sweden, Germany, Russia, Timbaktu, but never will you find someone great like you! Don't be confused, don't rat your toes, or you'll all leave with bullets close. I suppose, since I was fired, I froze? It doesn't make sense, the way my pen flows, today without amends, with verses that sound like crows. But it's all to good ends, it's just to fill a date, it's in your own interest to my good and bad content separate. Is this for real, or is this a dream. I know that you know, exactly what I mean.
Fear is in the air. Let all evil disappear. Let the flow return and perish, all the demon themes we cherish. My rear tears my nightmares, with it's swiftly swaying flares, flows around without a hardness, barring flames that flee it's carnage. I whisper to the night, whisper to the stars so bright. I won't give up my light, won't give it up without a fight! Because all I have is hope, and without hope all whispers choke. In the shadows, to the battles, to the dunes of sands I evoke. A cry a war, I cry out for, the world.
I sent a cookie to Finland a few days back, a symbolical masterpiece for a victorious newgrounds user to claim and frame in for decades to come, but it never arrived! This brings me down, since, well, anything I post that doesn't make it though it's close brings me down. I payed the right price for stamps, with a content viced for champs, but still it never got to bathe under custom bought lamps in a blue room afternoon soon bathing in the light listening to fuming tunes. Living a lifting cartoon, for many many many many years to come.
If it was December it would be Christmas now, but it's not, infact it's not even Halloween, but Halloween this year will be specialer than usual. Fact is my sister will be hitting 30 full years on the 31st! An even and important date, even though next years 31 years on the 31st will, seemingly, be even more important. My birthday is on 10th of July, so I passed my monthly date way back already, a bit sad, since at the time I didn't have the slightest thoughts of celebrating specifically much. Anyhow, I'm baking 30 pastries to celebrate.
It's alive. The world which we strive. To end. All it's life! Vibrates like the vice. Of men. In my eyes. The world is a beautiful surprise, I was born to, now torn from, I'll mourn it's, demise. With this device. That all of us invented. We can make the world. Disappear. So be tormented. Be tormented by beagles, be tormented by bagels, be tormented by seagulls, cause noone is your savior. The cause for the world. For the world all is sauce. A mess of mixed ingredients, it's never what it was. It's just never what it was. It is.
Woot! Sunday! The day all busy folks in the world take a step down and peace and local order settles like a flaming kettle amidst the ashes of yearning. I just returned from a two days nice stay at my buddy Bears house yay, we watched movies and ate tacos with marmalade for hours amidst walks through grey quarters with tags sprayed all across big wide roads paved with gravel grey as rusty blades. But that doesn't matter, I cleaned my plates no dusty platters, we watched films with much blood splatter, we heard their screams the silence shattered. Yeah it was great, good times, good times.
Exactly then I picked up my pen, and wrote a note about where and when. The time would be when I would see the sky. And think to myself, and think I could fly.
Exactly when I picked up my pen, they wrote a note about where and when. The bird would be, the bird of needs, the bird that flies, like freedom flees.
Exactly there I picked up it's hair, the feathers it shed, they lay on my bed. I dreamt last night about the bird of life, but
I know that my dreams lack meaning.
The sun sits high in a clearblue sky. Soft, still, and gleaming. I wonder why in my bed they lie, the feathers of freedom birds streaming. All these mixed emotions all these feeble needs, dreams for the birds of freedoms to feed on. I sit in my seat upon worlds of greed and redemption. And they don't remember, and they don't remember.
The worlds a disolution
Don't follow your confusion
Stick with your resolution
And it will be ok
The world is catastrophic
Don't let the symbiotic
Symbols in the nature
Reambalize you more
The days the pass like sugar masses drinking without thinking spewing out ashes a factory for the internal choke spit guts explode implode exhale inhale reload your two clocks got a gun in my left sock I pull it up if you fear not and sprout at me in extacy with kalashnikovs and no mercy inside this plane I feel no pan I'm lost in drugs in a world filled with thugs and flames and hellish beasts without names. You say sins, son? I have none. I can't claim, anything, other than the one I am and bleed for. The unholy holy one, honeygun.
The days they pass so quickly and I type without no end. Quickly type without end write my lines down again, just to show you use faith, just to show you need many many men. To stop me. Don't block me. Don't block my way, don't shoot Glocks at the locks because they're there to stay. They're there supposed to close all open flows no chosen foes revoked just local folks that float. In the water. Waters blood. Blood mixed with anguish. Drawn in mud. I cannot see you, and I cannot say, that I will keep writing risings without delay.
Today is Halloween!
The day when shadows glow and gleam.
The day they shiver like sunny gold.
The day they glisten, the day they grow.
Today is Halloween!
The day when darkness sweeps us clean.
Sweeps us with shadows like a machine.
Creeps within us all, lets darkness fall.
Today is Halloween!
The day when nightmares our souls possess.
The day we could dream of nothing less.
The day we thrive on recklessness.
Today is Halloween!
The day we dream what our missions mean.
The day we have knifes stuck in our spleens.
The day we walk impaled without pain.