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2020 - April


Now's the day to jest and have fun, though in these times... why not! Newgrounds are putting up a digital virus thing, with plenty of hand sanitizer and toilet paper.

I'm not sure about the rest of the net. I've no time to check since I'm home and working, officially getting paid for my time today, and shall not spend those invested moments on superficial tasks. I'm currently running a link checking script while I write this, and will soon move onto looking for alternative sources for said images if they don't show up...

What more? It's a new day. Trying to get things done. Happy April.


I went shopping today.

My dad's old, my mom doesn't shop, and so with the pandemic surrounding us it seemed the wisest choice was for me to take the car and go grab some groceries, so I went right before closing hours, around 21-22, which coincidentally was just after a miniature storm started up and a freezing layer of snow covered the ground.

Which was just perfect. Less people up and about.

The stores were a mess. Badly organized. Certain sections entirely empty. A lack of personnel. They'd bolted up transparent walls in front of the cash registrars, and a great lack of rebates and sales prices overall.

But it went alright. I got the groceries I needed to get. Got home. The aisles were appreciably spacious and free. It's just an interesting world out there; you get the urge to stockpile too...


...and stockpile I do!

Managed to get my hands on thirty kilos of oats before the pandemic panic really kicked in. Plenty of C-vitamin tablets too. Three kilos of pure ascorbic acid. Twenty five kilos of sodium bicarbonate. A few shipments of other stuff, and we've been shopping, bought a couple kilos rice yesterday just in case...

I'd say we're generally pretty stocked up on everything apart from maybe toilet paper. We have enough. We don't have any superfluous stock. For some reason dad didn't see a need to buy a big batch when they still had 'em, so I guess we''ll wait until they're back in stock again. Smaller packages just aren't as financially viable, you know?

The world moves on though... it's not bad. It's just different.


I still struggle with line breaks.

There seem to be two common approaches.

Either you include them everywhere, or you don't.

Either you try to make paragraphs as short as possible, like this, or you try to make them natural, like I'm currently not doing.

Whichever way you choose is up to you.

But this way is definitely more readable.

It is however also very easy to go overboard, and start adding in line breaks even when you don't need them.

I struggle with this myself because it seems either I have too many, or I have too few.



So Easter is coming up fast now, and celebrations are uncertain.

We probably won't be invited anywhere else. Not to friends and neighbors like we usually are. We'll probably be sitting at home, celebrating by ourselves, eating some fermented herring with eggs, potatoes, and sour cream. Only it's not really sour cream because Google Translate doesn't differentiate between Gräddfil and Crème Fraiche, which to us are two very different things.

But anyway, we'll be eating a bit, we've brought in some birch branches and hung up hollowed-out eggs too. Curtains.

Easter as usual, but very unusual...


I'm starting to really doubt the numbers.

I watched a short interview/documentary with David Icke, where he brought up some interesting issues regarding the matter of tests they use to discern if a person has corona or no, and apparently - if you believe him - those tests aren't accurate. At all. They search for genetic material that's inherently in the lungs already, and amplifies it to the point where virtually everyone would have corona The question then is: is this intentional? Is there some ulterior motive here, with keeping everyone indoors and locked down?

I don't know, but I'm starting to doubt the numbers. I used to doubt them because it seemed logical they were even higher, but now... I'm not so sure.

Further reading required.


It's weird to work from home.

Sometimes it's like it's not work. You lose the routines that separate work hours from other hours. It's easy for thoughts to stray even during other hours, and when you take lunch it almost feels like you're cheating, like you're not at work anymore, even though that hour's always free... but usually it's accomplished in a work-related environment anyway. Like the employer gets a part of the lunch break anyway, even if you use it fully to eat and recuperate.

What I'm mostly having trouble with is sleeping though. I get to skip commuting times, so technically I don't need to get up as early, and so when I go to sleep I don't really want to sleep at all... though of course I do.

Maybe that's something else though...


So Norwegian cancelled my first flight for this summer...

This imposes a problem. I was sure this covid-19 thing would - if not be over - then at least have calmed down, but apparently Norwegian are a bit more pessimistic about the future of air travel here.

It's a problem because I need to get up North to start preparing the land for our crops this summer, and there's no other good way to get there. Traveling by plane takes around one and a half hour. Traveling by train takes fourteen, is also a lot more expensive, and I'd rather not since I can't seem to sleep on trains.

Traveling by car? Same thing, and I don't have a car.

I hope they'll actually re-instate some of these flights again, maybe interest increases in a bit... the other option's going with a different carrier, but they're twice the price.

Unexpected complications this year...


Easter! It starts today, officially. And the weekend starts tomorrow. Just one more work day before it's all over, and we all bask in our well-deserved rest and respect... and appreciation for all the world gives us.

We don't appreciate it enough really. Especially in these days. When we live in such surplus, yet in such isolation, and forgetful of all we have to appreciate after all.

Fresh air, fresh water, blue skies and sunshine... all that we have but didn't create ourselves... all that's good is non-human. It does beg the question: What about the virus?


I really wonder about this covid-19 thing.

The more you read about it the more conspiracy theories you stumble across. Only are they really conspiracy theories? It's only a conspiracy until you believe it, right? Or until it's proven? What about that which you cannot prove, but which seems logical and passable and most certainly provable if only we'd have access to the tools and the information required to prove said theory?

Which, in most cases with conspiracies, we don't.

And so they remain conspiracies. So certain people laugh at the people who believe in these alternative theories as to more accepted truths and experiences... who really knows though.


I bide my time... I pass it. Like Joe Biden... if he doesn't get elected. Like cows on the field... though they're grass fed. And then it's not really so bad, is it? Our future's bright, and in sight, and we can finish? We can take plights, and defilement, and reconcile, and be thoughtful, and be thankful, that we've dank fuel, and memes...

At least that's how I figure people speak now in: two thousand nineteen.

See even I lose track. Too many. Recordings all over. Album plans. Bigger collaborations. So much stuff. Get more projects done right now.,


Sitting by the computer, in the combined guest room and office, looking out at clouds that drift by lazily. Wishing I could be as lazy as them.

The sun shines from the side - not directly through the window - and I know this means I have a few hours left before the warmth starts radiating through the glass and I start losing focus, and posture, and drinking a bit more water...

It's just the start of a hopefully long and good day. A day of peace but accomplishments. A day of good things in surplus, experiences and learning. Good day.


This weekend just ran off way too fast.

It's over, and it doesn't feel like I even started on my most important tasks. I did suddenly dive into a couple musical collaborations, and write a ton of responses, and take a lot of walks, and help some people out but.. what about the interview.

I'm still waiting on the interview.

And so, it seems that it''s still so that with the things that matter the most to me, I also wait the longest. Like I'm afraid of... success? Or change? What kind of fear is it that keeps me locked in like this?

I'll get to it though. Life's not all bad. It's moving onward.


The plan was to go shopping today.

All pensioners get a 5% rebate every Tuesday at COOP, and so last week I'd taken dad's car, and dad's card (to which the rebate's locked), and handled that particular weekly shopping spree.

Today however I was working, and tired, and no shopping opportunity occurred. I took a quick bike ride to the nearest grocery store for a quick tour of shelves right before closing, and snagged a couple items, but have you noticed the prices lately? They're getting higher. It's harder to really make a bargain.

So... that was that. Maybe next week. We're out of bananas but should be okay...


Deep breathing.

I've gotten into the Wim Hof routine recently. For beginners, mind you, but it's still a good beginning.

His method involves rapid breathing, and then holding your breath, and both strengthening your lung capacity, and relaxing, and stabilizing your rhythm when you're done. That's what it feels like to me at least. You get a bit more focused too. Oxygenated blood, I suppose?

My sister tried the first third of the exercise but got stressed out by the pace, and didn't complete it. She prefers a slower one. It's one of those moments where you realize: we're really pretty different after all...


Dad had a cold a couple days back. A one day cold. He rested the whole day and today it's over. We all took frequent doses of C-vitamin and sprayed the air in the room occasionally to keep it clean - what more can you do? Walked around feeling a bit on edge, but so maybe it was just a normal cold anyway...

Yesterday mom caught some kind of stomach bug. Threw up, had shivers and went to bed early... we all slept a bit restlessly and made sure to disinfect the toilets, but today that's gone too!

What's up with this week? I slept bad since I had some kind of irritation in my throat, and of course a certain paranoia comes running in when you get symptoms like that. But today that too seems better...

Tiresome days. Could it be all stress? We keep on working, though it seems it wouldn't be all bad if we all rest.


New day!

I'm feeling pretty good on this one. Ate half a gigantic block of chocolate before bedtime yesterday, which usually results in me waking up with an almost hangover-like headache, but not this time. I could feel it yesterday. I felt good. My blood sugar levels weren't rushing like they usually do with such consumption. Maybe with time and age we actually figure out these secrets; learn to somehow control our bodies?

Maybe not though, or I wouldn't have eaten that chocolate in the first place. The path towards self-control? There's still a long way left yet.


Had so big plans for this Saturday, but in the end most of them didn't come to fruition after all. I wrote some stuff, I caught up on some stuff, I sat by the computer a bit but also read a bit...wasn't particularly efficient after all.

The past week or so I've been feeling a bit sluggish. Stressed by work and common dues. Not feeling like I'm getting where I want to get - which I'm not - and when dues amount it feels even more so. It's harder to rake in that balance.

Ah, next one though... time then.


I really rested this weekend, I really did! Spent most of my time reading Naruto books and chilling.

It felt good. I haven't actually felt rested in a long time, but this was different. At the end of the day I was ready to get started with new week. Actually looking forward to the workday that follows. Ready to dive in and get stuff done... so I suppose I really need to change the way I spend my weekends in the future.

Less computer. More spare time. Even if you don't feel like it does: it weights on the mind.


Aaaand it's Monday morning!

Just warming up now. Just forming the day. Just getting up-to-date on stuff that's been dormant/away.

Ready to make some things. Ready to break some things. Ready to tame some kings. Ready to shake the world up! Ready to bake the herb up... nah, not really,just rhyming here. Have time with peers. Feel blind to stress. My mind's a mess. I find it yes. At times it's best though I forget it. And change mindset. Change the setting.

Change my mind. Don't mind the troubles. Trouble blind.

Wouldn't that be dandy?


Some more Corona talk hmm...?

As the numbers slow down around the world, or at least show no sign of drastically rising, things seem to stabilize a bit.

I'm not sure about the economy, but at the least the everyday bit. The shops are better stocked. Certain shelves are still lacking due to transport difficulties, but for the most part it's all there.

People start going about their lives as usual again, and you wonder if the danger of the virus wasn't exaggerated after all. But then... the government doesn't feel the same. They still ask us to keep to ourselves if we can.

Part of me's growing tired of this, I have trouble with discipline, but part of me really doesn't mind... better use this time to the fullest. Even more so if it does get even worse later on.

No slacking now. Come on.


Oh the days... how they fly. How they drone away. How they make me feel worthless sometimes. Hopeless sometimes. Just in whole a load of gray.

But I lighten up when the sun shines a bit. I do other things when I'm liable to quit. And then I get back into it, cause I've a knack for music, might not be natural talent but it's no drag it's soothing when I'm really in the zone.

It's just times are never right when I'm pinned at home. It's either breakfast lunch or dinner, or summer, or winter. Too warm, too cold, too full, too old. Oh no. Just get into it and do it.


I've really been meaning to record more music.

At the start of the year I was sure I'd get something done in January. Then came February, so alright, maybe then. And then March, and then April... and now it's almost over and I've still basically not put out a single track!

There's other stuff waiting on me too. So much. Reviews, other writing, an interview, some collaborations that need to get off the ground soon...

It makes me wonder what I do with my time. I'm not working full time. How: do you divide up your days the best way.


Time moves so strangely during these corona days.

It does feel like I accomplish things, yet all accomplishments blur together when there's nothing to break them apart. I work at home, I live at home, I sleep at home, I take my walks during lunch breaks... it all keeps going by similar pace and design, and though I feel good and efficient there's just not much more to it than that.

I feel like I really need to break things apart this weekend. Maybe a long hike will do it. Some worthwhile endeavor and change of scenery.

That's it.


Right. So why do I? write. So why do I? Fight. Or do I? My life. It's like. Just one day after the other...

Some are bright. So do I? Get a light. So do I? Sit inside. Hide in shade. Have it made. Feel alright. Why do I...

Ask why do I? Why not? Just do I? Why stop. When pleasure, is naturally obsessive, and lessens stress and hormones, and keeps your prime and healthy, the lesson is now forming. I'd really like a vacation in New Delhi... some year.

But the way these times are going lately hmm.


Crazy times call for cray measures!

I just ordered another weight vest. Up from 3 to 10 kg, and going strong, feeling good, feeling like I can carry a whole lot more weight. Except one day when I carried home a dense piece of Juniper wood, and my back didn't feel all that alright after that. Arm was shaking too. Muscles not really in shape apparently.

But these weight vests feel great. You get more exercise even when you just walk around normally, and it doesn't seem to come with a greater strain as long as you add weight in intervals you're comfortable with.

3, 10, 20, 50? We'll see how this goes.


So it's a new week again.

I'm really trying to differentiate between my days now. To not let them all just blend into meaningless routine. To accomplish something with them. I feel like my big thing is eating, because I never have a good moment to record. No time before breakfast, no time before lunch, and once that's all digested dinner's coming up with leaps and bounds... how do artists do it?! Skip meals? Eat less? Digest quicker?

You just don't have the proper lung capacity when you're full.

I need to make some drastic changes to my meal system...


Didn't realize we had a national holiday coming up this weekend. A time when usually people gather around bonfires and celebrate, welcoming in Spring, but I wonder how it'll be this time around.

Probably no gatherings.

I foresee occasional fires on personal property. Families gathered together with their closest kin where possible, but probably not much more than that. Probably nothing arranged by the commune. Probably no mass gatherings... at least not among the majority of us.

Maybe we'll be seeing local spikes in the spread of covid-19 after this. Tired of the daily counts though. Come on. Live.


Trying to think of something to write today. My days have no events. it's the same thing over and over, I appreciate the meals and the moments, the time outside, but I worry and stress over the same issues otherwise, some days go better, some don't, but they all keep going with a similar tone of distress and/or indifference.

So what does it take to break it? And is that what I need to do at this moment, or is it simply to grind on and set out to accomplish the things I have on my plate before I move onto the next one?

Once I start writing about things like this the words move on all to easily...


Last day of April, and I had so many plans this month. I'd hoped to put out a body of musical work. I'd hoped to get further with my job. I'd hope to have finished reading Naruto (not that a little extra anticipation does any harm there). I'd have hoped to feel at peace with what I've accomplished, but in the end I'm realizing I just place so much undue pressure on myself with what I want, and it's not good. It's breakdown-potential requirements. Turning even hobbies into work doesn't make it fun. Argh, frustration.... really is the hardest feeling.

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