2020 - December

12/01

I'm jumping around lately! Going from tab to tab. Going from lab to lab. Going from jab to jab. May I maybe be defined crazy?

I've had good talks with people before, but this year... I feel more like people are in despair. I feel more like we really need some peers. Like we really need to share. Need to motivate each other; be there.

Get stuck on misunderstandings but you'd better be in the clear. You'd better take a step and try to near. A better place. Calm down. Put on your better face. Don't lash out at people - give thanks and you'll sleep well. In this angst we're all equal.

This pandemic year throws punches, better just sit down and have lunches. Don't fight but reunite us. From a distance with a slight touch.

Peace out.

12/02

I spilled some coffee by the computer today.

The downside to having an assortment of small tables for the computer instead of just one larger/wider one is that you don't just get a pool of coffee on the desk, but along the side of the main table, and the other one, and two boxes below it, and the floor, and the old phone on the one box, and a part of the cloth on the lower table, and a speaker, and the bottle of hand moisturizer and NaCl 0.9%, and electrical chords and wall and then some...

All good though. Got some old dust too.

12/03

Work, ugh, work...

No wait. Today was a free day! Much needed this leeway. Went out and played frisbee golf on the freeway but: so tired. I didn't win this time. First loss ever. Congrats David.

I've been eating vitamins like crazy though. Took a break about halfway through and had an energy drink, and two rawfood snacks, and some multivitamins, and an iced coffee drink with oats...

Didn't help enough though. But next time.

I need to sleep better. I need to exercise more. But I need to get stuff down too. It's that vicious cycle! Life. Ugh. Come on now...

12/04

Had a somewhat serious talk at the company today, discussing the future, ways to expand, ways to cope, ways to optimize our current business model and actually progress...

I wonder if I contribute to the stagnation.

I hope not.

We're just in an unfortunate situation where large players are entering our niche, and we don't have the resources to match; can't have as much in stock; can't order as large quantities to keep down prices; can't market ourselves enough.

Most of all: don't have the same resources to invest in better servers and website optimization as they do.

Driving a small company's hard business, it is. Hopefully it all works out though. We get by, we're just not growing fast enough. Don't have the resources to spare or hire.

12/05

Picked up RE:DS again.

It's been lying by the bedside untouched for a couple weeks now, and after playing through it three times again and pretty much remembering every moment along the way I thought I was done with it, but maybe not...

Playing as Chris now. Haven't played him enough yet. On Rebirth mode for certain additional variation.

But you know what? I don't save. And I get killed. And I waste half an hour or an hour on a game doing things I'll have to do again.

Especially the first part's real discouraging like this, cause I've done the same mistake all too many times before

Put down the RE:DS real quick now, but maybe I'll get the urge again soon...

12/06

Couldn't sleep at all yesterday.

We ate corn tortillas for dinner - authentic Mexican style - dry-fried in the pan - small and compact - served fresh and crisp around the edges.

Little did I know how compact they were though.

I ate six or seven, and then some, and some chocolate after dinner, stayed up late doing dues and just collapsed in bed around two, ready to sleep...

But my stomach just wouldn't have it. Bloated more and more. Had to drink some more water. Eventually sat up and played RE: DS for an hour around five, sipping a herbal brew, and it calmed down a little come morning...

I am hella tired today but: SO WHAT!

Can't stop the grind.

12/07

Listened to a Joe Rogan episode today where he was speaking with a vegan and just totally flipped out. Seemed to want to protects his carnivore-based lifestyle at all costs. Though maybe he was just stressed. Had some other things on his mind. Who knows. The Spotify situation maybe didn't go as smoothly as he hoped?

He's only human, but lately I feel there's some kind of arrogance starting to shine through. A lack of reflection and self-discovery. The second Wim Hoff interview went pretty shit too but this...

I don't know. Maybe I'll switch over to some other podcasts. It almost seems like the more you listen to JRE the more you realize maybe he isn't all he makes seem... or maybe the last few I've listened to have just been oddly disappointing.

We live in stressful times though. Maybe here that stressful shines.

We'll see.

12/08

Bedtime routines going to shit again.

It's this tired season. It's how even before it's late you're tired when you're buy the computer, and you know how you sometimes get stuck there when you're tired? If you just sit too long? Now you don't even have to sit too long to go tired! You're just tired. So you sit too long.

Yet you can't just get off that chair and fall asleep immediately. Need to brush teeth. Need to get some magnesium. Need to wind down...

Seems folly to think the sun will cure all problems though.

Discipline.

Get it.

12/09

Ugh, dues. Time, flues. Come, loose. Revive, ties. Speak, up. To people. In places. You see those. Familiar. Names. Or faces. Relate much. And feel stuff. And wheel off into the distance in memories cause... ain't life wonderful after all, after fall, when you climb up and patch your scars with thatch and bars? Lasso stars. Latch on cars and travel far, - the whole world is your battlecar.

Like I was in a Mad Max movie. But facts move me. Just like imagination does.

I need to write a bit to make sense, and to gain a place with the ancients. For posterity. Post austerity.

And for recreation.

12/10

Never get into a disagreement with someone right before bed!

Even better never, if you can avoid it, but sometimes these things occur. Unfortunately also especially easily during the end of day, when you're at most susceptible to overreacting; when your emotions have potentially bubbled up during the day and the tension so too.

So I responded to a PM I wasn't happy with, and wasn't all happy with my response either. Had a hard time winding down. Watched a little Yoga video with a deep-breathing exercise. That helped. Slept like a log but woke up a bit earlier than usual...

So maybe it is possible to wind down after all; maybe this particular dispute wasn't all that serious; maybe there were other good things going on that weighed against it and let me calm down a bit more easily... and maybe I didn't overreact to the point I made things even worse, but still.

Never get into a disagreement with someone right before bed.

12/11

We're really all getting on each other's nerves lately.

When this Corona thing started it didn't feel so bad to be stuck at home, but as time goes on... it really takes a toll. Even if you're with people you enjoy being around you start getting the kinds of remarks you didn't get when you weren't around each other quite as often. You start getting annoyed at the lack of personal freedom and mobility. People's habits start bothering you, and even more so when they pick up new habits because of the isolation. You need to be among people to stay civilized! This ain't good.

Though then again maybe it's just the lack of sunlight that has us all slightly more agitated than usual. Clouds for weeks on end. Not a spot of sun. And of course: the rona's thriving because of it...

12/12

Getting better, maybe...?

I went to bed at 3 yesterday. Not tired enough. Woke up around 10, feeling relatively rested. But not really. Stayed in bed a while and suddenly it was past 12. Soo that's how my Saturday starts now...

I was at the verge of randomly bursting into tears on a couple of occasions yesterday though, and so far no such emotions seem to be bubbling up today, so maybe it was a temporary thing. Too much stress. Too much tension. Disappointments and rejections. You know how it goes.

I cut my hair this morning. I didn't power on the computer until I was ready for it. I'm doing what I need or should do so far, and surprising myself. It's not going fast but it's going well. It's like I lured the law of attraction back on my side, but *knock on wood* cause who knows, maybe new lows are coming up soon though.

I'm a deal with this the best I can. Winter depression. More rest. less stress. More exercise. More social contacts. And be a bit more careful about what you say to people, cause they just might be going through the same shit too.

12/13

Theeese days... fly away too fast! I want to rhyme on Cheesecakes. Cause I still remember. Don't want to forget. Remember forever. Forget not yet. Your memory an ember. One I treasure, and have kept, in a plot that allows it to smolder but not go out and not be over. That's what you manage with a song: imprint the memory in time. For preservation: with time you can't go wrong...

And for anyone reading this: Cheesecakes was a brief acquaintance, but a good one, who unfortunately took her own life a few years back.

Hope you're doing alright in the upper or nether, wherever you are, or whenever...

12/14

Haven't had a glimpse of sun for a full month soon!

Not one little little sliver!

Not one ray to bright our day!

Not one speck to which we crane our neck; don't look away!

It's getting hectic, and there's no exit. No little grace from the rays of space.

We're in our nexus, of dark and shade; no UV rays to keep us safe and kill the plague.

Been hanging on! My hand is strong. But lasting long with no light that plays, upon my face; to trace the bond.

Long enough: hope starts to fade.

The darkest days.

12/15

Tired today...

I feel like there might be a cold coming again. But for real. You sometimes get a little throat irritation or sniffle and think it might be something, but I got those burning eyes, slight weakness/coldness, and an overall sensation of sluggishness that you don't always recall but when it does come along you're like: OH this is what it felt like!!!

So best take the day with a bit more rest than usual.

It's still a work day but: work at a reasonable pace (how can you call in sick when you work from home already?).

Drink lots of tea.

Take frequent c-vitamin doses.

Don't walk with weight vest on.

Lets see how this goes now...

12/16

Didn't sleep so well yesterday.

It started well. I was tired. I thought I would sleep. Yet an annoying throat itch made itself present, and then it just wouldn't leave! I didn't get any coughing fits per se but I suppose there was some-kind of throat-related phlegm going on that made things a bit difficult to relax.

And time went on.

At first I just fetched some more water, and tried to daydream away, but eventually I cooked up a little Fenugreek tea, sliced up an onion and left it in the room, smeared my chest with Lavender oil aaand... it did fade a little!

Think I fell asleep around 4-5.

Kind of tired today but surprisingly barely a throat itch at all.

12/17

Had a free day today. Slept in. Drank some tea when my sister came to visit, but no extra walk like we usually take.

We'd planned on baking gingerbread cookies but that'll have to be another time too. No time now. And probably not a good idea for me to be in the kitchen all too much either - JUST IN CASE.

In regular times, with regular colds, we really wouldn't be taking such at times drastic and almost irrational measures, but it is what it is.

What do? Just keep grinding on; doing what you can; not pay it all too much mind after all.

12/18

Stressful day at work today. Skype malfunctioned - didn't get a message when I should have. Started typing one in but it got stuck - had to restart. Sent over a list of article numbers matched against weight when the boss had asked for length.

My brain just wasn't running very well at the end of the day.

It struck me just as I was about to go to sleep. Subconsciously processing events of the day I suppose, and I wrote up a note to change it tomorrow.

That's all. Overall though it's been a good day. Just still tired. Unnaturally so.

12/19

Hmm. Cold? No cold?

This year's just filled with paranoia.

Have a stinging sensation in my nostrils. A bit of phlegm in my throat. A slight irritation. Occasionally get a run. Most of all though: I just feel tired.

Is that enough to worry though?

If I was just home all the time I don't think I would, but the thing is I've been invited to a family dinner tomorrow, and with the current rarity on such events it's one both I and they have been looking forward to but...

Been feeling like this for a few days now.

What do? I suppose I'll just have to let 'em know; let them decide.

12/20

Music For Dolphins.

Simple adlibs. Not always catching the flow. A lot of music without words to it. The quality's high, the vibe is artsy, the variation rich and some lines are fun to listen to too but... it doesn't really sound finished somehow. Rushed and empty. Ran out of inspiration?

I like Action Bronson as a person but haven't listened to much of his music. I like the music videos I have seen. I thought he had a more boom-bap oriented style, whereas this is sometimes a bit more abstract.

It was fun but not going into my favorites.

12/21

I got shit to do. Ugh. I got shit to do.

I can't just sit and snooze. I can't let go of certain obligations. I can't use excuses. I can't pitch a crew. I can't let other people do my dues. I can't do what I like to always, I just swipe through hallways, try to focus on my own stuff but sometimes the show's up. I don't flow much. At the end of the year I'll look back and wonder why I never wrote much. Like just a hundred words every day instead of: seven-hundred-fifty?

But I'm all write.

Don't get it twisted.

12/22

Drove into work today.

Last work day before the holidays, and it went alright! I backed up files like there was no tomorrow - managed backups on all six (6) computers thorough the work day. A couple of them had upgrades recently. I think it's a bit quicker a process since.

We don't have any advanced routine for this type of stuff at work. It's just me backing up the files, moving an external HD around, and then copying the backups from one HD to the other for storage off-site. One backup HD at the office and one with the boss. It works.

Anyway good day today.

12/23

And now for the final work day before vacation!

Wait did I just say that yesterday was the final day...? It wasn't, if I did. It was my last one at the office.

I sat at home today, slaving away by the computer, until finally things calmed down enough at the office for the boss to get online and for us to go through a last-minute Christmas Card send-out. No big thing, just a thousand five-hundred customers. I wonder how our base compares to other ones out there - no doubt a lot of companies have a way bigger - but no doubt many have way less too.

It turned out good. Slaved away. Stayed on a bit later than usual. Wished the boss a good vacation and off it is! :D Offline for the first time in: a long while.

12/24

Christmas days are hella hectic.

I admit, my priorities aren't the greatest, but as it usually ends up on Christmas Eve I started the day by the computer, trying to tie up loose ends; blog a bit; reach out to people and wish them a Merry One, and then when I started getting too stressed to keep going with that I dove into presents! Packing 'em.

Sister arrived in time for a somewhat stressful seasion of Christmas tea, we walked off to deliver some gifts to a neighbor, then packed up the rest of our stuff in haste and finally sat down by the table way too late. Relaxed. All was done. Just need to open those presents...

Merry Christmas.

12/25

Christmas morning.

Rice porridge for breakfast. Melted butter, cinnamon sprinkle and milk. Hazy weather, but SNOW! For the first time in forever! Snow that doesn't melt. That doesn't fade. That both falls and stays on the ground.

We took a wonderful, wintery Christmas walk in the cold.

My sister woke up and we took another.

We sat inside and sipped tea as the snow started falling heavily, and really basked in the sensation and sight of it all. Winter for real. It's a rare treat. A rare feat. A rare experience.

Clear the air and hence: it's Christmas.

For real.

12/26

Second Christmas morning.

Snow's gone. It melted during the night.

The wind was billowing and woke me earlier. I thought it was snowing but it was rain. The clouds were compact, the wind unpredictable and stormy, and the weather all but delightful and wintery.

Ate some breakfast. No porridge.

Sat down by the computer in an attempt to get stuff done, but felt tired and disillusioned somehow... the main event was over. Christmas was gone too. The world was dark. What's the point?

I didn't really ask what the point was but: I felt it. Or the lack thereof. But we took a walk and it was okay anyway.

12/27

Christmas morning... again? Is it still Christmas?

The storm had seized this time around. I slept well.

No porridge today either - no breakfast at all in fact - but the day started decently anyway. I sat down by the computer again with the intention of getting more done, but again I felt so tired... what is wrong with me? Am I not getting enough D-vitamin? Why this sudden, and so immense lack of energy?

I kept at it though! I prevailed. We walked a bit. I didn't do all I wanted but I've been having some stimulating conversations.

I guess it still is Christmas.

12/28

Good day today! Sort of.

I woke up a little earlier, and started the day with some Frisbee golf with a cousin - a good run there. I then drove to the nearest shopping mall (the outside kind - do you call that kind a mall? Shopping area? Warehouse gathering?) to fetch a five-year diary I ordered. I'm a bit late. Had to queue for a while. The parking was packed. The book doesn't seem the best quality...

I succumbed to temptation on the way back and bought a pizza, and though it tasted great it didn't taste as great as I hoped.

I feel sluggish. Rest of the day was kinda depressing.

But it still is Christmas...

12/29

What is it with these sudden bursts of depression? These waves of melancholy? These coming sensations of hopelessness that rise and fall? Today started so great but ending so gray.

The day before didn't feel all that meaningful either. I want to make the most of my free time but I'm not sure I am, even if I write like crazy.

But am I writing the right things?

I'm almost caught up with my diary though. I am getting places. My sister came by again and at first I just felt stressed but... calmed down a bit. Walked it off. Feel better.

12/30

And today I felt great. :)

Got some things off my chest. I've had Christmas presents all over my desk. Finally sifted through them and put them in their most suitable containers for laters.

I've been writing. I caught up with some things. I had some good interacts with some people. I said some nice things. I did some good things. I took walks, as usual.

The New Year's just a day away though and I'm not prepared at all but... it is how it is. One due at a time. One burden for later.

Life shall get better.

2021 greater.

12/31

And so the final day is here... the end to one wild ride; one crazy year that turned to be 2020 - the start of a decade we all had great hopes for (well at least I did) before it all came crashing down.

If Trump had reigned at any other time I wonder if he would've gotten re-elected?

If the virus didn't originate in China I wonder if Huawei would've been in charge of most 5G grids around the world by now?

If they didn't continually bombard us with daily case and death counts I wonder if we'd still believe there was a virus?

I'm not saying there isn't. I just wonder: would things have been different.

Happy 2021.