2020 - March

03/01

First of March! Huzzah! A new month brews.

I planned on spending lunch today with the latest episode of One Piece, but apparently there's no One Piece today. No latest episode, at least. Potential holiday in Japan? Not sure. Must be.

So I instead type up some words before my humble meal, and plan to tune into another episode of Hot Ones while I eat my way through it, and maybe play some Pokemon during the remainder of the episode.

As it's a new month I'll also be bringing out my parallel venture in Pokemon Black, where there's a new version of Deerling I need to catch as a new season begins. Last one today.

And that means... we're almost a fourth of the way through the year already. When this month's over. Damn. It's too fast...

03/02

I'm on the road to betterment. Yupp.

Had a bout of hopelessness last night. They come and go. Feels like work keeps piling up at a faster pace than I'm plowing through it, but the problem is that it's not only work I consider work, it's also much more superficial things, like podcasts I want to catch up on, reviews I want to finish, responses I want to write - stuff like that.

But there really is too much of it. I've known for years I need to either let some go or really get a move on, yet I pick up more superficial dues instead, like this.

I'm on the road to betterment though. Working through it today. Starting well. Slow but steady. Time will tell if there still needs to be some dues thrown away...

03/03

Woke up late today. Actually: woke up at the alarm, but stayed in bed a while longer, daydreaming, stalling my inevitable rise.

Then when I did finally open my eyes, feeling well-rested enough that I'd make it through the day, I had about ten minutes to get ready and rush to the train.

My instinct was to just take it easy. No rush. I could always take the next one, but I ignored the instinct and instead skipped some of my morning routines to catch the ride, and whaddayaknow? The train was late. About twenty minutes. I usually take about half an hour with my morning rut so that would've been just perfect.

Maybe next time I can really trust my gut.

03/04

This year really didn't start so well huh...

Didn't start so well and didn't keep going so well either. Even if you don't have a cold and don't need to own a fever. Unless you're not an eagle or a true believer, then you can view the ether and the see the people sleep well in their feeble steeples...

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. There's so much i want to row home, but my boat I missed. I try to stay stuck in my own zone till someone throws a dis. No no one disses me - nobody knows me - if someone misses me I get warm and cozy.

Guess I'll mosey over to the shop though I gotta get some hot stove stocks yo.

03/05

Uh... stressed lately. But of course you don't want to hear it. You're dealing with things too. You wake up in cold sweats. You can't seem to relax. You go to sleep only to wake at three in the morning thinking it's time. Time to get going. Time to do something.

I have a dentist appointment I need to book. I took a deal. I shouldn't. Same with my travel plans. Looking back I wonder if my instinct told me not to, like I didn't really feel like traveling but said F it I'm going places in life.

Maybe... for now I feel both trapped, and free, being home. Things calm down when you have lesser plans.

03/06

This corona thing?

Yeah. Yupp. I know. I've spoken about it. You know how it is. You know how it goes. You know that it's woes. You know that I'm close... to a breaking point!!! I want to cough and let go. But on the train with other people the best option is NO.

Cause they might think you have the corona virus.

Yeah. Yupp. You know. You know how it goes. In rhyme and in prose. Both open and closed. Enclosed is a note: look here this I wrote. About trials and bout hoax I don't know...

I smile like I*m smote with LIFE.

I'm living. I'm doing alright.

03/07

This is stupid. So, so, so so stupid. Soho stupid. Or was it sofo? Sushi? Slow folk? Slowpoke, use it? Own tempo. Go bento. Japanese lunchbox.

I'm really craving some kind of calm though.

These days life is hectic. With the covid-19 thing going on, with travel plans, with the commuter trips to work, with my own personal projects and passions and passion projects and everything just sledging together into the same uncool stew...

Not sure what to do.

I've always prided myself on saving money but suddenly streams of it are running away. Life is out of my control. I'm out of my comfort zone. Even at home my comfort roams...

Strange times. But the tougher the times, at the same times, though my stomach's burning: I feel I'm learning.

03/08

God damn! The world's changing rapidly lately. It's becoming chaotic. Hella strange and unresponsive. People stockpile foods, yet walk out with their dogs, and you see the social order comes across, but something's lost...

Is it accountability? is it sociability? Local festivity? I'm not sure what it is but there's a social indifference slowly killing me. Might just be my ego, my Achilles' heel.

I booked all of these flights and thought It's a steal. Yet they stole my money now, I need to steel myself and dummy down, not run around, just run the town, and don a crown, become a Don and carry on.

Mow my lawn with Camron on.

It goes around.

03/09

With this corona virus going on I'm starting to get a bit paranoid. it's affecting my lifestyle. It's enforcing my hoarding habits, but distorting my views on hygiene, and the perks of being social overall - that it's good with a little extra bacteria. A little swapping sickness to boost the immune system. A little growing stronger every day.

Suddenly I just want to work from home and stay the hell away from anyone else on the commute to work. And away from gatherings. From movies. From concerts. From social events.

You wonder how society might change after this...

Feels serious.

03/10

Ever had blood in your eye? Not just a little sprain, but an actual layer of blood in your eye, beneath the outermost protective one? There's probably a more professional word for it. Google if you like.

Either way, my dad walked in with half a red eye yesterday. Dark red. The entire side.

We did some Googling and came to the conclusion it's nothing dangerous after all, but it sure doesn't look very nice with blood in your eyes.

Unless it hurts, or itches, or somehow impairs your sight it's alright. That's the consensus.

It just looks hella scary.

03/11

The trains are becoming more spacious...

I had a deal for sushi today, and brought home sixteen pieces all neatly aligned in a tray, but mom didn't feel like eating any of it. It might be the constant torrent of radio reports and overall media frenzy that has her more worried than the rest of us, since she spends a good deal of each day partaking in such things.

I'm getting drawn into that paranoia too though. Unwillingly. I know death tolls are still way lower than that of a regular seasonal flu, and those spread pretty quickly too, but the way they're reporting on this spread; the way they keep counting and stacking up the numbers, detailing deaths in binary format...

I am getting a bit concerned.

03/12

Not be a downer now, but this Corona thing is really downing my spirits lately. To the point I'm drowning in spirits.

Well no, not really, I don't think. Nothing other than water and vitamin water and all kinds of nutritional brews, in the eve of this here scary disease that's sweeping the country recently...

It really is killing my spirit, though.

I had trips booked in both March and April that I wonder what to do about now. Is it worth the risk? IS there a risk? Is it a bigger risk staying here and commuting to work...?

This peer pressure fear is really sweeping over... hope things calm down a bit before the trip. Or the carrier just cancels the flights and refunds the money. Though not likely.

03/13

Man, stress... at work, at home, in life. Overall. Everywhere. All over. Yet it's only beginning.

It's strange though, that when it really reaches a peak, it also seems to lessen. Like it becomes a state of normalcy. You stop stressing over the stress, and just do what you gotta do, and the brief moments of calm and peace are all the more rewarding.

Sometimes you feel like you're about to hit some kind of wall, or like you're cruising on the highway fast and a sudden movement might send you way off and intro a tree at breakneck speed.

But for the most part you're just cruising...

03/14

Looked through my previous entries for inspiration. Annoyed that I missed the typo in an 'I*m' earlier this month. Maybe I shouldn't say anything though, so if you read that you'll think it's for effect and not in error...

I've noticed a couple things about me now as opposed to me a decade back. A decade back I:

1. Felt like I had more time.

2. Didn't spend as much time looking through or revising things before I post them. Or after I post them. Or more than once.

It's really not strange is it? My question now is: should I do something about these new habits of mine, or are they in fact GOOD habits?

I'll let that thought simmer a bit...

03/15

Good or no: sometimes you just want to brainstorm. You just want to write out. You want to let the thoughts spout right through your mouth without regard or juxtaposition, like projectile vomit, or a golden egg your larynx somehow magically produced. The problem is you don't know if it's vomit or a golden egg, and thus you don't just type full steam and thoughtless, but actually revise some of the messages your brain matter produces as it comes down on the page, and there it all is, and you go through it again...

Are there artists who aren't like this? Who just project their mind transparently and unedited? Sometimes I wish I was one of those.

03/16

Watched through all nine seasons of Hot Ones. Finally.

I've been watching a few a day for a long time now - whenever there was time for them. At night, sometimes. At day, sometimes - at varying times during my existence - and though they were more of a blast when I first found them, they have kept me entertained all the way through, and alas (and finally!) I'm caught up entirely.. Am I as super a fan as Bret Baker at this point? Maybe...?

Started skimming the rest of the First We Feast videos for other shows to pick up...

Maybe later.

03/17

This corona thing again...

Seems like it's all I write about lately. Like I used to write about how I didn't have time to write about more interesting things.

The reason is that it's all I think about lately. Like I used to think about how I didn't have enough time to do most of the things I wish I had time for.

I still have some of those thoughts, but they're in the back of my mind now. I don't have as many events planned during my days, and so I do more than I did before, yet when I don't do enough, and when I for a moment stop worrying about this corona situation, then those thoughts come creeping back...

On the bright side I have TONS to write about right now.

And it's all about covid-19.

03/18

It's not a new month no more. Huzz...eh?

More than a fourth of the year through, and knee deep in the Corona madness.

That dentist deal turned out to be a bad deal. I really don't want to go to the dentist now. I've been writing to Let's Deal hoping to get a refund, but the place is still in business so they won't hear it - nobody wants to lose money right now.

They sent out a little survey on their support, and I wrote in that I was disappointed they weren't doing what they could to keep the spread at bay. Their 'samhällsnytta, as we would say.

A day later they sent out a public announcement on how they were handling the situation, and that they'd be prolonging the expiration dates on their deals.

So maybe all is not so bad after all. It's coming together now...

03/19

The media just keeps broadcasting their madness...

It's not getting better at all. Case numbers keep rising. People keep working from home. Internet traffic is apparently becoming problematically high - though it shouldn't since people were spending time online even before this was a thing, right? - and the commuter trains are a swarming ground of paranoia...

Been working home a couple days. Wonder if I should stay home. Wonder what the effects this all has on my mental, not to mention physical health...

Turns out there was no crisis with the food, but I'm getting sick of this mood. Heavy. Wish a rain would come and wash it away soon.

03/20

A new day with Corona...

No I don't mean personally. Not that I know. Though I have been dealing with a bit of a sniffle the last week or two so who knows really. These days it almost seems to be on a constant.

But it's no contest. We're all sick to be living like this. Target practice and deliver tactics. Get rich or die trying. Why am I surviving. Why not make it better? Cause we don't last forever but the world: that's another pearl. That's one we can polish. Short-term plans abolish.

Go on save the Earth.

03/21

I'm getting cold feet.

I mean literally. Sitting down too much. Cold feet before the end of the day. Sweaty socks. Cold, overall. I won't fold, to withdrawal. There's a hole, in tomorrow. I will smote, with my sorrow.

OK getting OT... what I'm saying is: I feel like I sleep too little recently. The sun keeps poking in while I'm sleeping. The birds keep chirping. The Earth keeps moving and it's words aren't soothing...

So what do I do then? I try to fall asleep again but don't succeed. Just toss and turn. Ain't good for the immune system.

03/22

Hmm... tired.

Tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired like I don´t even care.

03/23

This Corona thing... I can't seem to stop typing about it.

Woke up feeling kind of slow today. Actually, I woke up with heartburn first. I tested taking some bicarbonate before bed in an attempt to regulate the acidity levels in my body better, and it seems it backfired. Too little? Too much? I took just half the recommended dosage, but it seems my body didn't appreciate that either.

Feeling a little something in the back of my throat now... just slightly runny nose... of course, you wonder. Could be a common cold due to two sleep-deprived days. Could also be...

03/24

I'm ashamed. To think I'd fall for that that filler thing again. Tired or no. Rise higher in woe. I displease myself. I disprove that I don't follow through even with the simplest things, due to simple mood swings, but then again there's no telling now how tired I really was in that moment...

Could've been that covid-19 thing breaking out. Could've been my body went full-on fight mode and left me with no energy at all for other tasks. So maybe I should look back at it gladly; see that I didn't waste what precious life force I had.

Way better to see it like that.

03/25

So I've had a bit of a cold for a couple of days now, but it seems like it's slowly ebbing away. It's fading. I'm feeling better. I'm still a bit tired, nose starts running a little occasionally, I wake up with that morning phlegm... but I don't feel like I'm in the danger zone. Just need to keep it together and not go do something insane like a full-body work out.

So... was/is it a regular cold? Is it that infamous covid-19 thing...? After my initial paranoia I've been hoping a bit more for the latter.

Just to get it over with. If it's not more life-threatening than this...

03/26

...yet there lives on a little doubt that maybe this is just a starting phase, and it'll strike in full shortly. So I try to not hope too much for things I maybe should not hope for. Careful what you wish for, as they say.

I've been hella careful with meeting other people at least. I haven't been out for anything other than walks (in as isolated golf course territory as possible) since I started working from home now. It's uh... the second day today. This week.

But really. No shops. No commuting. Nothing like that. And it feels calming. Comforting. I've never had much trouble with self-isolation before, but it is sort of sad..

Society's taking a turn I didn't really expect it to. For good and bad.

03/27

I'm sitting with a half finished cup of tea in our guestroom.

It works as an office too, during the times I'm home, but it's only recently that I've actually started working from home as well that it actually feels like I can call it that. Usually it's more so a guestroom with a computer. Well, a few computers, and recording equipment, and some other stuff... it's basically my studio too. And my gaming room, whenever I actually have time for that.

Time, lately, seems to be the main shortage. I wish I had more. I wake up, do my business and then... it's just another day.

Maybe with these home work times I can manage to slow it all down a bit...

03/28

Didn't I get over those paranoia topics before? All the Corona-related ones?

Well they're back again. Full force. The death rate in Italy ain't slowing down, young doctors are dying, the case numbers here in Sweden doubled in a day, yet few people are actually getting tested so who knows what the numbers really are...

It still doesn't feel all that crazy, but I was speaking to a friend in Louisiana that's stuck home in a near-death state, with a kid who just had both lungs collapsed in a car accident, and knows multiple people around the block who are dead and gone now.

Suddenly the skies darken again... distractions required. Positivity. Stay with it.

03/29

The weekend's been great though. Especially today. It's a bit colder, but sunshine plays on the window pane, and lit up our walk, and though I'm still a bit tired after a sleepless night Friday to Saturday, I feel way better today. C-vitamin doses are paying off. Feels good. It aids digestion too. Doesn't feel like there's any potential downside to it, it's all good, it works, it makes you both more strong and more focused, and not as prone to skip certain tasks you otherwise might do, like late night diary entry.

It's a surreal time though... reminds me of when I was studying at a distance. So much home time. And just the other week I was commuting and picking up calls and out there in the world... yet in the weekend everybody gets out and walks around like this is nothing. Like they won.

I wonder if this is still only getting started though.

03/30

Hey hey, a new week starts today!

A whole world full of whimsical wonder! Magical thunder! Storms rage asunder! The world is ablaze, what is this we face, this phase of conundrum...

I live in a daze, take walks out in space, where people gather only on weekends.

I try going early but sleep in. Stress levels at work plane and deepen. I lurk research and reopen the paranoia of research... breath in with short breaths. These lungs. It makes these hurt.

Oh well, I live at home but it's a bit like a hotel. I quell my fear and go on, from dawn till night and so on, can't you tell.

03/31

End of the line! Last of the days. Final one of March. The calender's all orange and blotchy from past events, although they seem to have been drastically reduced in number towards the end of it...

That's alright though. I'm not feeling so bad. I'm happy with my life. I'm content with my time. I'm comfortable working at home, even if it sometimes feels like the workload more than doubles when I am here, when there's pressure on me to produce results rather than just be in the office and through presence show my involvement.

Services like Sneek though... ugh. Don't like it. That's not a natural office setting at all. That's all the more pressure. As sneaky as it gets.

Hope we never get that here.