2020 - May

05/01

First day of May, and once again I feel a need to do things, a rush to accomplish my dues, an urge to finish up quick so I can move on... yet some things are things you do not finish, but keep going with, working on one day at a time.

Have I been at the crossroads for so long that I forget I'm still here? That I have important decisions to make that'll keep gnawing on my mind lest I make a call? That my mental well being won't get better if I constantly distract myself with more superficial tasks?

There is a burden I need to shed. One or many. All I need to do is figure out what each burden is, and if maybe some of them are worth the weight after all.

05/02

Ah... I don't know what to write anymore.

Must be a sign that I don't really take the time. To wind down. To gather my thoughts... life moves at a rapid pace and there's little moment for reflection.

Or recollection. I don't look back as much.

I do spend a lot of time pondering the future, though. And pondering the day. All the things I do wrong. I hope it's beneficial. That it lets me improve more than it keeps me from improving; always seeing so many flaws in my actions.

Where are we really going after all? Hmm.

05/03

Felt the early signs of a cold this day, and so that familiar paranoia flared up again! Stronger than ever. I've been taking c-vitamin like crazy, and complementing with various other pills, and as the night nears I wonder if maybe I was imagining everything after all, darkness always makes you feel so much brighter...

But in the end I fell asleep like a log. Earlier than usual. So I guess my body's working things out after all.

I'm proud I didn't take a bite of that chocolate cake my dad brought forth from the freezer, or anything else for that matter. Ate healthy. Felt alright. Maybe I managed to chase it away this time too...

Knock on wood.

05/04

The thunder's raging outside. The rain's falling. It's finally petering out, though, calming down before a potential walk soon...

Supposedly it'll be picking up again this afternoon and going strong for some time, and it's crazy how little rain it takes over here for it to feel like a real storm. It's like we haven't had any real harsh weather in ages. Unlike the tropics it just takes a few millimetres for it to feel tropical.

And I feel like I need to go grab some coffee cause when the light comes through again... I realize I'm not so energetic.

05/05

My hands are definitely drier now than they were earlier on this year. I wash them way more often. Before this all broke down I used to sometimes skip the soap entirely, just go for water, more soothing for the skin, but alas... those times seem long gone.

It's a major downside to this current lifestyle, and an added one is that you really don't get the same bacteria as usual either. Now that we're all shielded from all kinds of disease, just sitting in like this, super hygienic and clean, it feels like we'll be all the more susceptible once we get out again...

05/06

Really would've been cool if 100 words actually fixed some of those features we were promised a few years back...

But I can't complain, still. I haven't noticed any downtime at all. The service is running smoothly, I'm writing my daily words and all is progressing as all should. All is good.

What more can you ask for, really? Days are sunny. I get out. I move about. I play my games. I buy my things. I work out a little. I stay busy, maybe a bit too busy...

Life in these corona times could be worse.

I could be sick.

05/07

Gotta walk! Gotta run. Gotta move. Get things done. Stay on cue. Stay in tune. Keep on going. keep on flowing. Get a move. No more omens. No more cruel; bitter knowing. All the bliss. That I wish. I could find. Peace of mind. In due time. In due time...

Yet there are such people as Elon Musk. I'd like to sleep a bit better and live it up. I'd like to be a go-getter but life's a rush. I'd like to be a trend-setter but don't trend much... I'm out of time, and out of touch.

it's going fine.

05/08

Another week bites the dust!

It's been a busy time again. I've been out shopping three out of five days. Worked four out of five days. Walked five out of five days. Time kept running away five out of five days too. Also played Serious Same TSE four out of five days... I'm not super proud of that bit. Without the gaming sessions I might have done a few other things that are weighing on my mind right now, like finish this one interview...

But apart from that life's not bad. I felt worse last week. I'm making ends meet and moving.

Here's to this whole thing blowing over again so we can really do what we're supposed to! Live a little more freely.

05/09

Aaaa... tired lately.

I'm tired of the way things are going in the world.

I'm tired of falling asleep so late I wake up tired.

I'm tired on sunshine when it wakes me up, and tired of rain when it pours down and I never get my daily dose of UV energy.

I'm tired of not having time.

I'm tired of using my time for the wrong things.

I'm tired of not know what's right or wrong, or more so feel like everything's wrong, and it's tiresome to see how wrong it all is.

I'm tired of writing long, need call bliss.

05/10

Hey now. It's another day now. Come on join the fray now. Come and display your showcase so people know what you do daily and thus keep their peace with saying: you don't do anything why are you playing? Videogames are dues too, no...? Who can fool you.

I need a walloping basket of ideas so I can cobble on. Don't take me down, crowns of Babylon.

Haggle on. Run the pond like Jesus with a bag of strong.

Need to get equal inspiration (as this) when I straggle with my raggedy mind-boggling babble songs..

And to think Watsky went for 33:33:33 hours. Crazy.

05/11

Isn't it weird?

Everything, basically. So weird lately.

I workout a bit, but mostly I work in. I go shopping with the pensioners. I don't travel at all, I stay in in my hall, I both cackle and bawl, I just laugh/have a ball...

To throw around. If I can't go to town. Still the show must pound.

It delivers. It makes you quiver. Here there no sinners just hella folly quacamolly. Hmm.

This was going so great until that one line. Not sure anymore. What to do. What do think. what to drop on the floor.

05/12

There is still a burden I need to shed... I thought I'd shed it last month but it's still not shed yet. Ditto with this Tuesday, when I had a free day. And last weekend. And the weekend before last. And days and weekends before that...

I keep running full steam ahead, and whenever I slow down I'm too tired or down to feel focused enough to complete said tasks. Though it's almost finished already: I sat down one Saturday and actually pushed my way through it, now I just need to revise and send it...

What is IT you ask? You'll see. It's really the most exciting things I wait with the longest...

05/13

Dry hands, yes, they persist. Finna fetch some lotion after this. Finna wake myself up! And today live with a twist. Gotta get dues done, then go shopping, can't have too fun, life is bliss...

When you work hard. Words part. Make way. Too smart. Can't stay truthful. My birthday? Feel youthful... not really. What folly. Guess that's why I'm melancholy lately... when i don't make my days seem as amazing as I'd want to and/or break free.

But I'm going. I'm going. I'm getting there. it may be slow when... it's slow but. I'll persevere I'm a soldier.

05/14

Ugh, think I might be catching something...

I had a ten hour work day yesterday and still managed to blog and record something, took a couple walks with both vest and wrist weights and the florescent lights in the bathroom went out... need to go buy some new ones tomorrow.

Doesn't feel like that should matter though. I ate alright. I slept well. I didn't get cold or sit still too long. I'm trying to both get in shape and get things done here. Why must my body react so intensely to the most mundane things? It's not like I'm trying to run a triathlon!

Wonder if the stress is the real culprit. Workload may be manageable but pressure on mind: no control.

05/15

Been listening to a lot of Joe Rogan podcasts again, for some reason I'm still trying to plow through the massive backlog that is his 3000+ something hour archive... but I feel like I'm losing interest. I don't know if he's changing or if it's me. I feel like he's more cynical than he used to be. He's not open-minded at all.

Maybe it goes with waves with him as much as with everyone else though. I remember some re-occurring personas around the 800th episode mark where he was horrible, but when I jumped in, early thousands or so, he was great.

Not right now though. Not right now...

05/16

I'm getting a lot of refunds lately. Airlines, deals, a book order that I've been waiting on for a month but just now finally decided to buy via a local source - never mind that it costs a little extra, some other things I might be forgetting, probably...

The one thing I'm still waiting on is a refund for a hotel. Hotel Karmel, Poland. I don't know if the request's been lost in transit or what. Don't want to call since international calls aren't free, but I sent them an email recently... hope they answer.

For the most part everyone's surprisingly forthcoming. Turbulent economy or no. I'm positively surprised.

05/17

What bothers me most about my old posts here...

Two things.

First it's the filler. I was lazy back in the day. I lost drive all too easily. Or rather: I saw accomplishment in numbers rather than content, and so I'd use every excuse I could (some were creative at least) to fill up these posts as fast as possible... though I guess I still do. I just camouflage the filler now. With words and stuff.

The other thing though: the typos. I double check my posts now. I don't think I did that back in the day... don't think I'll check back on them to check that now either.

05/18

I have three unfinished batches here, that I never finished, that I think will be bothering me until the end of time... what bothers me is that it would've been so easy to complete them, yet for some reason I just never did, and that's it. There they lie. Static and hidden for all time. Till I at least get all of this written on my own site...

It's not something I should be so massively bothered by though is it? That's just how it is. Some things bother you more than they should...

Aaaa it's a bother... yupp.

05/19

Tom Hanks new war film is about to be out on Apple TV!

I guess that means he's all better now? He was the first famous covid case I heard of, and I'm not sure I've heard of any other since... maybe a few local ones. That's it.

Had to give him a Google just in case. Seems he's alright. Seems he wasn't out for more than a couple weeks or so - at least not so much he couldn't get back to LA. Good to hear.

Meanwhile my buddy's home for a fourth week.

Better medical care? Hmm.

05/20

Was this really that month that I'd planned to get that musical project finished that I hadn't managed to get done during the two previous months? And then some? Really?

It's crazy how fast time flies lately. I do my work, I try to exercise a bit, I do a sloppy job with it sometimes but I do grind on and head out on daily walks no matter how I feel. Even started going when I thought I was catching a cold. Kept going with cold showers too. Didn't catch it after all.

So yeah. It's a grind. That's all.

05/21

Time, time time....

No time for filler!

No time for writing anything but that which is required of me. No time for doing anything but the required dues either.

My sister came over. We had tea in the sun, folks too, the whole Stockholm-side of the family gathered out by the garden. And it was nice.

We need to do these things more often. We need to get together and spend time. We need to talk. We need to relax. We need to interact. We need to stay familiar.

I notice I lean back towards the computer. Need to do things. Get things done. Make something out of my life now.

But sometimes you need to slow down instead to gain perspective...

05/22

Fridaaaaay!

It'd feel like a brighter day (it is bright - sun is shining) if it wasn't for the fact that we might need to launch a new platform today, and all of the things required for said launch are all but ready.

My boss has been urging me on, and so finally I thought alright, let's do this, doesn't matter if it's done or no, if we're in a rush I will rush with all my might and get this ready by tonight... and it will be. My concern is the boss might not be. New systems require learning. New routines. Time to get into the new system. Time I don't think they've spent on it yet..

Hmm... I'm not sure they're as prepared as they need to be. Haven't received a conclusive response yet. Don't know for sure if we're launching or no. But I'm ready if we are...

05/23

5G just made it to Stockholm, and I'm terrified.

Technically it'll be some time before it's a notable increase in microwave radiation, they're starting with frequencies not too much higher than current ones, but in time... I really don't like the future prospect. I'm paranoid and fearful for my well-being.

No I haven't been convinced by the David Ike interview. I've been reading other things. It might not be the cause of this all but it's still a danger, when it's so much stronger, when the spread is so much wider...

Why can't we just rely on fiber instead? Tone down the wireless networks a bit. Go with what's safe and guaranteed.

05/24

It's hard to really relate to the covid-19 pandemic when nobody you know is really affected. Of course there's buddy Bear, who's been home for three weeks at least, but who else... you hear horror stories, yet for the majority of all it seems life just moves on as usual. No drastic changes in our behavioral patterns or prerequisites of life.

Wonder if covid-19 will get added to the spellchecker soon btw. It probably shouldn't, but I wouldn't be surprised if it does, it's trending...

As drastically as our lifestyles have been altered in these recent pandemic times you wonder if it's really necessary though. When you're personally not more affected than you are...

05/25

Booked a flight today. Got a refund. Got a Naruto manga I've been missing for a month - I'd stopped reading it in wait of the missing piece but recently just gave up and started reading anyway - time to skip back to the missing piece now. It feels like a lot of things are going on right now.

Vacation plans are coming up quick, and the hope is to take the first road trip now in the start of June, then go up for the entirety of July when the farm work is at it's most intense. It's confirmed! It's OK. Work can wait.

Apparently you have to bring your own face mask on the plane now. Finna be an interesting summer...

05/26

Had my first really bad headache in a while today. I mean first in a while. it's been a while. I felt like I'd been able to omit earlier occurrences via a combination of good routines, magnesium and exercise, but either I'm getting a bit too stressed, am not getting enough minerals or movement, or it was just too hot today. Heatwave suddenly. Early spring but it's here already.

I took a walk anyway. I went shopping. I worked four hours. It's been a good day after all, and as the afternoon came so did the heat let go it's hold... maybe it's still not summer after all.

05/27

Time to write a bit again. Sitting quite inside my friend. All these days go without end. One and one, and time again. Keep on going, never slowing, wonder why and how it'll end... till then let's not play pretend. Let's go strong like rising tents. Raise your buildings in cement. Block 5G. Don't take things lightly. I might sit inside here quietly but I'll keep reaching out with writing. ain't it exciting? More fear-inducing. We've noise and particle now air pollution. I fear these wires all there and moving, never silent, although translucent...

Modern fear it is... confusing.

05/28

Hmm... time... huh.... sometimes it runs away all too quickly. Sometimes when you just feel glum and sickly. Sometimes it moves so fast and so swiftly that you envy its path, the way it lashes out glistening.

Uplifting. No burden. Preach yo! Go sermon. No bourbon. No drinks. No puking in no sinks wallowing too deep into things... not that I do these things now but: I'd like to be astute and be viewed a king.

I don't know what I'm trying to reach. Maybe a lion with each. Of my brain halves. So I can reign mad. Yeah. Something like that...

05/29

Lion half, yeah! Try a bath, yeah! Safari in the sauna, with the lions and the fauna. You know how it all sounds huh. You know that with all ease the breeze sweeps in from overseas and brainstorm *freeze*.

Like when you eat the ice... now wouldn't that be nice. Yeesh.

Hey though. It's going faster than ever right now. Don't want to be stuck or tethered down. Don't want to be lost and found, now, don't want to just toss this round, I want to win! I can do anything! I'm going till my seventh win!

And then some.

05/30

So what now? Days they run away again. Summer is closing in with way too brisk a pace.

I'm sitting in. I'm trying to get things done by the computer. We took a walk in sunshine, I spoke to a buddy over the phone, ate a little, exercised too little... I did wear a weight vest on one of the walks though...

Getting a bit more headaches lately. Stressing a bit more. Maybe it's also the heat. Maybe it's just too much computer, stress or no. Summers here and it's hella warm right now, we could use some air conditioner....

Not good enough with hair conditioner.

05/31

Sunday... Mother's Day.

It's been a good day. We celebrated lunch with some mini-burgers of my design - in fresh bread courtesy of mom, and a bottle of Chill Out champagne, also my addition, with little heart-shaped ice cubes from a silicone mold supposed to be used for chocolate, that we recently discovered works perfectly also for ice.

Then my sister came, and we sat out and ate of her home-made lime/mint/chocolate RAW food cake and shared presents. Delicious. All went well till I recited a poem and was by my sister partly and probably unintentionally ridiculed...

I'm way too sensitive about my craft. Tech N9ne's 'Fragile' comes to mind. Relating heavy.

Maybe all artists are.