2020 - November

11/01

I feel drained today.

For anyone who doesn't know: I wrote and recorded a verse every day of October, for the Inktober challenge. And then I did an additional one every day, cause why not challenge yourself twice as much? Then I decided to write a hundred words each day in conjunction to said verses here too, as combined poetry/freestyle/freeverse.

And I did!!! Every single day. Inspiration didn't wane, as I sometimes fear it will, but recording took some time, and mixing took some time, and occasional collabs where I recorded to an instrumental for the main challenge (16/31 days) took even longer, the month flew by and... I feel drained.

Not on inspiration. Just on energy. But the more you push yourself the more you realize what you're truly capable! Hope I won't let myself down this month, just need to rest a liiittle after this.

11/02

Aaaand I'm rested. :)

That went quick huh.

Actually slept horribly yesterday, I tossed and turned and think I managed to drift away early morning, around 5-6... was probably a combination of eating something weird just before I went to bed and having swapped out liquid coolant on my car the same day, which is highly toxic, and can if ingested cause serious renal damage and worst case even death...

But you really need to ingest something to be in danger, and I didn't ingest a drop. Might've got some on my hand though, might've eaten something with my hand, you know, the thoughts start spiraling there in the dark of night...

So I barely slept at all, but oddly enough I'm still feeling alright. I'm back at it already. Making music again. No rest for the wicked.

11/03

Said I was back doing music but just gotta say: back at work too! Managed a work day pretty well with not many hours of sleep at all yesterday, and today we've been celebrating my sister.

I packed up presents and drew a watercolor card/wrote a poem on it just before she arrived, and we headed out to a park to have a picnic with some relatives. The wind was cooooold, but I'd just brought down my winter jacket and thought it'd be a good idea to wear it for the day, so personally I had it covered.

My sister on the other hand...

We had a great time though, and I'm back at the music shizzle too; sorting things out. Ported all Inktober pieces to my own site for one, which is no small feat. Bonus verses every day.

Progress.

11/04

Inktober's done and gone now, but I'm not stopping. Only planned to keep going with more occasional musical projects, but as to really force me to stay on I'm doing another Inktober.

Sort of. No collaborations, just quick verses every day, with the aim to keep me inspired and warmed up for anything that might come my way... let's see how this goes.

I'm not feeling as serious about daily deadlines if I don't really upload each track on the day in question though. I write, I record, I upload/post a series of posts according to template when there's time, but as long as I just keep doing these...

Big thing today though: leftover collab from Inktober 2019 with good buddy Nick, old vocals but revamped instrumental and generally very vamped out mix. :)

I know this ain't the right place for promos so I'm not even posting a link, but you know where to go if you know...

11/05

Should I reveal what I'm currently working on? should I? Make it public and thus a commitment to finish it? Only reveal it when it's certain it will be completed, surely and definitely...?

Hmm! I think I'll leave y'all in the dark a bit.

Been doing so much stuff by the computer lately that I feel more and more like i need to get out though. Need to move. need to get some exercise.

Circulation's alright but I'm tired. Fell asleep like a log yesterday. The day before, too. I usually don't, and though there's really no downside to sleeping well I just feel... sub-par. Not on top of my game.

Weight workout tonight. Promise.

11/06

Did do that weight workout real quick but not sure it had an effect, at least not the desired effect... I'm still tired as heck.

Drove into work as usual, not super early but still early by my standards, and was probably looking so bleak and sounding so hoarse when I arrived I think my boss actually stood a few feet away just in case I was coming down with something.

I did feel like I might've been the last couple days, who knows, ate plenty of nutrients, tried to get more sleep. Not feeling so bad today, it's just these hella tired mornings.

11/07

Another tiresome morning but I think I'm alright!

A cup of coffee woke me up, and I spent the day helping a buddy move furniture around his apartment. It went alright. Mission accomplished. Furniture moved. Drove home around eleven feeling tired and void of emotion but also content with the day... and I slept like a log. Oh yeah I'm writing this one day later.

You really need to get out of the office chair to feel alright though. This seems to prove it. Even if you're feeling kinda shitty it's not like you'll feel less shitty if you just keep sitting there and slaving away.

Get out! Do something! Right now!

11/08

Spent yesterday moving furniture, and today throwing Frisbee.

Golf. Me and a cousin.

We usually do this on week days but went out for a tour this weekend cause better than not at all right? And it went... alright! I threw a Frisbee up into a tree at one point and spent at least fifteen minutes looking for it; even had other people jump in and help. Very kind. Rekindled hope in humanity a bit.

It stuck at a crazy place though and wasn't all that easy to see either looking up but fortunately my cousin spotted it.

And the course was hella packed. So many weekend players. i think we're definitely going on a regular weekday next. And maybe a different course...

But what I'm trying to say here is: get out more. Feels good.

11/09

What doesn't feel good though...?

Not feeling good, for one.

I'm waking up with coffee headaches lately. I've attained an addition. If I don't get my daily dose then I don't just get tired, but it feels like my blood vessels clog and I get this nagging kind of headache. I just feel off. Not always, but most days. Some days I wake up feeling amazing and feel like I could kick the habit easily too but then... back at it again.

Still don't mind that cup of coffee though. Feels revitalizing. Healthy. It really is an addiction after all.

11/10

So tired today...

I thought I got rid of this but I guess not. Might be because.

1. I ate two Daim bars yesterday, close to bed time.
2. I stayed up a bit after that playing Resident Evil on DS.
3. There's no sun today, nor was there yesterday.
4. Didn't sleep long enough. Woke up unnecessarily early.
5. Haven't exercised like I should have for a while.
6. Have yet to have a cup of coffee.

All in all I'm just tired though. Felt almost dizzy during the morning. Took the bike to the town square to buy a lottery ticket because it's Father's Day today. Painted up a card, wrote a poem and here we go now.

Slowly waking up, maybe...

11/11

Been reading up on Swaziland recently.

Who would've known! I bought three jars of Eswatini Kitchen marmalade recently, a Father's Day thing, and apparently that's their official name now. Swaziland became Eswatini in 2018. Or Kingdom of Eswatani Swazi officially.

It seems like a pretty cool place. Monarchy. Roughly a million people. Tolerable temperatures along their mountain ranges. Fierce warriors, apparently, since my mom read about them in school some decades back...

Potential vacation spot I never expected to even consider? Though wonder how they have it with crime and all that shizzle, tuberculosis is a big thing too...

Still it really seems like a nice place.

11/12

So tired lately...

Played a round of frisbee golf today, and started feeling like maybe I'm catching c old again, cause it was just exhausting.

I have some kind of blockage in one ear, plenty of phlegm, and some vague headache that feels like it might have to do with my stomach, since I'm also feeling gassy and bloated. Too many a chocolate bars recently, possibly...

Needless to say I'm trying to get my act together again. Put on a weight vest for the game. Eating healthier. Feeling better. Trying to get some work done now too but ugh, tired...

11/13

Daaaang man, this winter tiredness... when/how/where do you get rid of it?

Work went alright today, I wasn't falling asleep or anything, but my eyes are burning. I'd rather lie in bed. I'm sleeping in tomorrow but after that I'm forcing myself out on a walk anyway! Cause exercise: it works. Even if you just feel exhausted after that walk you'll feel better in the long run.

Before winter/autumn/dark-days-of-whatever-season-you-call-this-snowless-depression came along I didn't look forward to weekends nearly as much as I do right now. Always something...

11/14

Having some shoulder problems lately.

I played a round of frisbee golf with a weight vest on, and I think the straps got in the way during one particular throw because I could hear the shoulder creak or crack or strain in some weird way during one of them, and it didn't feel that good after it. Still finished the game though, and won. :) Something with the rotator cuff, probably, reading up later.

I'm now dabbing it with Arnica massage oil before bed, and stretching in whatever ways I can stretch that don't hurt, and it seems like it's getting better, maybe it was just a minor dislocation, maybe just a minor inflammation, hopefully no type of tear that might still be there and just no longer noticeable...

Gotta keep up with those exercises now though. And no more weight vest. And no more frisbee for at least a few more days.

11/15

Got out of bed at 12:59 today!

It's a new record, though not a proud one. I guess I was just so satiated on chips, and walking, and carrying beds yesterday (helped a buddy redecorate a bit) that I collapsed again... plus it's been a tiresome week.

Had a pretty grotesque nightmare though. Not sure how I slipped into that, haven't been watching violent movies in a while now, but somehow I did. Not the way I wanted to start my Sunday, but at least I really rested up...

Woke up with a headache though and that won't leave. Doesn't seem like I'll get as much done today as (hopefully) tomorrow...

11/16

Can't believe half this month is gone already...

Inktober went great, but it's like it's just impossible to keep that momentum going when it's over. Though maybe I do. Maybe I've just been catching up with other things that I couldn't keep up with during that one particular month. It all gets flipped around...

About to really delve into the music world after these words though. Fix up four recordings for this month; till I'm all caught up with the November project, and then hopefully fix up the sources for a mixtape that should've started getting work done on as this month began...

Can't say sometimes if I'm just distracting myself with other dues, or depressed, or really so tired I'm incapable of keeping up with things.

It doesn't seem like that latter though. Just gotta get these priorities straight.

11/17

Been playing some RE:DS again lately, and I just started with Rebirth mode. I just noticed something. A few things, but mainly two things:

1. It looks way better. Didn't remember both angles and texture/overall clarity being improved so much.
2. I underestimate it.

For some reason I suppose I've believed Rebirth is easier. Just because your ammo never seems to run out. Just because you get a few extra bullets with each knife fight. But it's really not!

The monsters aren't just moved around, but they're more. And more vicious. And more lethal. More unpredictable, overall.

Spent last night going through the exact same boss fight twice and not caring to save after... and dying shortly after. Twice.

Get a grip now. Treat it like it really is life and death now. Won't repeat that same mistake tonight...

11/18

Work work work...

Days stream by too fast lately. Contemplating moving to Bahamas. No I'm not. But it would be cool though wouldn't it? Just sit outside and sip the sunshine, on some sandy sunny beach somewhere there where the waves fare higher and higher and the foam gathers by the crayfish and coy cat sitting by the flowerpot block...

I wouldn't mind something exotic right now. i wouldn't mind windsurfing or testing a zero gravity plane. I wouldn't mind getting out of my comfort zone or all of these games. Living for real. You can really the see the appeal there, can't you?

Live the life and/or dream the dream.

11/19

Free day today... was planning to play some frisbee golf, but my cousin had to go to school (he studies at a distance - certain days they get called in), which was probably a good thing because it's been raining hella hard and the wind's so unstable you can't carry an umbrella even if you want to...

It's baffling why we still haven't invested in proper raincoats over here. We live close to the city, and as such such accessories feel somewhat foreign, but still, it'd be nice to be able to take a walk even in the most vicious torment without getting drenched after the first few minutes...

It went alright though. The walk. Wet but energizing.

Otherwise lotta computer dues done today.

11/20

Swapped tires today. First time ever. Had help from a colleague at work, after his hours but within mine (I'm paid hourly so had to add an extra hour to the lunch break for this), in the blistering cold (does cold actually ever blister though?) and it was... a bit more time-consuming than I imagined, but not impossible! It's doable.

Considering it takes an hour, but would basically cost 3 hourly wages (after tax) to have someone else do it for you, you could say you save in four hours on doing this yourself. Plus: time used driving to workshop.

Just gotta tighten those bolts some day and hopefully all is good. So far the car's rolling alright now...

11/21

Skipped the game today. Just fell asleep when I fell asleep. Last night, I mean. No RE:DS. Too tired. Somehow got some knee problems too. Left knee. Arnica massage oil time. Think it might've had something to do with that cold ground I took a knee on whilst changing tires...

It feels good to really rest a bit more thoroughly once in a while though. To follow your instinct to actually fall asleep when it's time too, not just toss and turn and not be able to, or resort to playing a game or similar as to tire yourself further.

That's all so counterproductive though! This is the way. True sleep. Think of beauty. Two leaps. True speak.

11/22

Tested Goldeneye for DS today, and what a disappointment it was...

The controls aren't bad though. The first cutscene (the audio, at least) was surprisingly thorough and crisp, the interfaces smooth, the settings plentiful, and just the first level was longer than I expected it to be. In fact: way too long.

The main problem seems to be that the entire level is built around fences, blocked-in compartments and hordes of enemies that have you after a while just getting bored of it all, and lost; not enjoying the scenery or challenge the same way as the original.

It's a maze. A compartment-based massacre where you vary outdoor cages with indoor tunnels. Maybe it gets better after the first level but I didn't even get through that...

Don't think I'll be seeing this one through.

11/23

RE:DS gaming sessions going better lately.

I'm no longer underestimating the gameplay difficulties. Maybe getting better at them. Learning the patterns. Saving a bit more often too... until I don't.

Like recently with the touch-screen Yawn encounter, I kept going without saving, reached a point where I was suddenly surrounded by a bunch of those green swamp-like monsters and couldn't pause the game fast enough to heal myself...

I'm already a bit tired of this game. Played through enough times now to remember having played through it before all too many times already, and when you have to keep repeating certain parts of the process as you continually mess up no less...

Get a grip again. Come on.

11/24

It's a shame about Goldeneye though, because it seemed like such a solid game otherwise. Seemed like it had the potential to be.

No shooter has flawless controls with the DS, but this one came pretty close, with stylus-based aiming that made it almost as easy as working with a mouse, and if you happened to not like that you could change it to button-based instead.

Tried that too but: complicated. Not my thing. For once I was happy the stylus-based control existed. Usually it's the feature, not an option.

Just wonder how the game would've turned out if they ran with the original layout for the levels. Spacier, maybe a bit shorter, but possibly so so so much better than this...

11/25

That thing about recording one thing every day of the month... it really is tasking. Even if they're short pieces. Even if they're just ONE per day, unlike the doubles I had in October, and even if I skip on adlibs entirely and just keep things as acapella as possible... it's still tasking.

I notice this a bit more when the month draws close to an end I still have other things to do.

It's not like I've been wasting my time, it's just that additional things like this do take a fair share of time after all, and there's only so much in a day.

Tasking though? I don't know. the exact definition. Maybe more like: timing.

11/26

I'm up early for once!

Heading out to play some frisbee golf in a minute, and until then I'll be sitting by the computer; getting stuff done for a while.

I wrote up a little list of things to do last night, as I usually do at the end of the day - to remind myself on what most important tasks I might have left over for tomorrow, but the good thing about this particular list is that the tasks are so small. Appreciatively accomplishable

Like this. Finish this. Move over an https redirect. Send an email about a service. Check the certificate on one page.

Stuff like that; that i know I can manage with ease in a short segment of time - it just do happens I have such tasks for the day that need doing, so what an accomplishing day this is bound to be...

Toodles.

11/27

Listening to Jüri Lina speak about communism at work today; he sure has some interesting things to say on the topic...

I recognized the name before the interview but didn't really know the man behind it. Seems like a cool dude though.

These days I wonder if there's really a difference between communism or capitalism at all. It feels like the ideals between the ideals have become more so the ideals with the regimes; control mechanics thereof... I don't see a clear distinction these days. Ideologies float together yet their devotees get all the more aggressive about standing up for whatever one they believe in...

Humanity feels somewhat frail right now. Really hope we overcome all these shortcomings and manage a future together.

Cause we really need to be on the same side to HAVE a future. Or at the least respect the opposing one.

Really.

11/28

It's cooking up to be a busy day today, I'm pondering if I should call a buddy or not, we spoke about hanging out last weekend before that weekend, but didn't, and talked about hanging out this one instead then, but...

There really is a lot on my plate today, and I don't just mean breakfast.

Take down Christmas boxes from the attic, fix a shoe, sandpaper an umbrella, put up a Freelancer project, post a couple blogs, record/write 2-3 tunes, playtest a couple games if I have time for them, but most importantly tend to a mixtape I've just been delivered. Listen through a few times and see that everything's alright, and it's an hour long...

You can't really listen properly as you do other things, but I'll probably have it as background music for most of the day; just see how it works like that. Then listen attentively a few times too.

So... buddy or no buddy? Guess we'll see in a bit, at least this first thing's now sorted...

11/29

Goddammit... headache's coming back again.

Possibly fading, now as the day ends, but I've had to take it slower than I usually do. Haven't got as much done as I hoped to.

Still you become appreciatively humble on days like this. You realize some things are just beyond your control; don't bother doing what's impossible. Grind on, slowly, calm down and feel better the better you feel...

And tomorrow I'll be back with a vengeance! The month ain't quite over yet. See you then. Final post of the year. Finna be great but... cool exceptions. Calm down. Chill. Breathe slow.

11/30

Final day of the month now, again!

Where does the time go? Really? Hold up let me make a quick breakdown:

30% sleeping (roughly 7 hours/day)
20% day job (roughly 5 hours/day with weekend)
3% eating, probably around 7% talking, 7% walking, maybe 1% bathroom breaks, 1% wondering where the times goes and if I get stuck on this then possibly 30% trying to calculate ditto very precisely on a monthly basis.

Throw in a little recording, writing, watching, listening, exercising, frisbee golf, car issues, shopping, showering, designing, what have you; maybe my monthly time use ain't so bad at all...