As I was wallowing in despair yesterday, writhing within sweaty covers, burying my head in my pillow trying to soften the pain, feeling both hungry and nauseated at the same time, coughing up blood, busting blood vessels in my eyes from the exertion in this tormenting act of self preservation I realized something. The life I live is not sustainable in the long run. I just can not spend most of my days sitting in front of a blaring computer screen, leaning forwards with tired eyes, typing franticly with cold fingers, taking short breaks for food and exercise, at times a time of entertainment - most of it spent in front of the computer as well.
I can't do all of this and expect to have a bright future waiting for me ahead.
If I want a bright future in front of me I have to change my way of living, and I have to do this right now, before it's too late. I woke up at six today after having stayed in bed for over forty hours, with this vision of mine in mind. So I switched on the computer, ate breakfast, took a walk, and watched five old movies from the eighties in a row.
Five movies.
Did that help? Did that make my life better? Not really. I had planned on watching these five movies yesterday, before the sickness swelled over me upon awakening, but I never got around to it, thus I watched through all of them today. When I'm set on doing something I don't feel content until I've done it, but if I ask myself: would I have been as content as I am right now without having watched those five movies? The answer would probably be... yes.
The smell of freshly baked bread is drifting up from the kitchen now and my stomach is yet again growling for a refueling session after the very fulfilling breakfast I ate four hours ago. The sun is shining outside and I plan on taking a walk under it, listening to the glistening snow as my steps take me far out upon the frozen blankets of snow on which only a small sliver has been trampled down to allow for walking. Trails of smaller animals can be found in my footsteps each morning, which is something that really does make me content. How can I use my life to the best of potential and pack it with a kind of content that makes me feel content in this manner, without having to watch five movies, ruining my eyesight overtime and in the long run not giving me anything for the effort.
My plan after the long walk today is to sit down at the computer yet again and work my way through four assignments, three of which are to be handed in today, one which I was supposed to hand in two months ago. After that, I plan on working on a clients website I was supposed to have had finished over a year ago. I didn't have to go through the terror that was yesterday to realize that I shouldn't leave tasks unfinished, ever. All they'll do is drag me down and make every new task I take upon myself take even longer as I am constantly, even if I try to deny the fact, going through the old abundant work within my mind. Yet this migraine still seems to have made this truth clearer for me, it seems like the bomb that's been ticking so long just blew up and told me "you see, this is what happens if you do what you do, now do something or I'll blow up again in the future". Bombs have blown up before, but they were more like small firecrackers compared to this beast, and it really made me realize that I really need to come to a realization... NOW.
My career could be within web-design. I'm good at it, I could easily earn a living designing websites, but would I be able to earn sufficient to live without living in front of the computer? Would I be able to design a site or two in a day and then take the next day off? If I could, that would be great, that would be a dream come true, I would have nothing against living like that. If I can't, if I spend a full day working on side projects, then watching a few movies, then posting at a few forums, then completing the websites I started on just before the deadline ... I wouldn't live very long. Maybe I would, but maybe I wouldn't enjoy doing what I do very much. So what should I do? Should I keep on going with web-design and strive for a career in which I can make up for the time I spend by the screen outside, buy a house out in the countryside, settle down, maybe build up my own server farm in time, let the income stream in without needing to do all too much. Is that the future? Is that possible in these times of financial crisis?
I'm not the only one who wants to live like that, who says I can reach the peak when millions of others won't. Do I have what it takes? Can I really climb that high? Or should I do something different?
So, what can I do. I want to write, I love writing, and it's been a long time since I really wrote a blog post with ambition, like this one. Of course I'll keep blogging, always, though the frequency of blogs will always vary. I will always keep writing poems, stories, lyrics, and the case is the same with those. Question is, could I write as my profession? No doubt a lot of time is spent in front of the screen as an author, maybe more time than with any other occupation, and that's not good, I don't want to spend all my time by the computer. Can I learn to write things quickly? Can I learn to type fast enough to complete a full well-written pocket book within a week and then take a week off? Can I write poetry collections that sell? Can I sell literature? Can I do it? As is the case with web-design, more and more people are searching to become authors nowadays, so what makes me special? How do I differ from the crowd?
Do I differ from the crowd?
To quote something I said two years back, "Everyone is different, therefore everyone is the same". It's a funky concept, true to some extent, less true if you go further, but it's irrelevant to the current context. Would a person that really differs from the crowd be questioning if they really differed from the crowd? Is it a virtue to be aware of ones flaws, or is it just a burden? Should I cast my burden aside and reach for my dreams or will this burden make me a better person over time? I have tons of questions I cannot answer, and that no one will answer for me. Actually, plenty of people will answer my questions, but they will all give me different answers, so I don't know which answer to trust. If I ask people if I should become an author, a web-designer, or something else, they'll all have their own opinions. Even if they base their opinions upon facts they will differ, because regardless of the fact people reason differently based on previous experience and current personality. Also, most people don't have the same facts, and the fact is, that there really is no fact. The only truth is that there is no truth.
Take the problem with my eyesight as an example, a problem that's probably bugging me the most right now. I'm near-sighted, but I don't want to be. I became near-sighted because I read a lot when I was younger, and then started spending very large portions of my time in front of the computer. The eyes adjust to this short distance and adjacent objects become a blur. I obtained glasses so I could see clearly, but I didn't use them. Would using them have improved my eyesight? Would my eyesight have worsened regardless? Eye doctors will tell me that my vision wouldn't worsen as quickly if I had wore glasses, and there is some truth in that, straining the eyes does worsen your vision. But, wearing glasses is only a temporary fix, it's like using crutches if you break your leg, it will help you move around but it won't help your leg heal. And in difference from legs, the eyes don't heal themselves, at least not if you keep spending time by the computer focusing on the same short distance as always. Can I heal my eyes? Some people say I can. There are tons of different exercises that can be done to improve eyesight, there are pinhole glasses you can buy, there are different types of food you can eat, there are regular glasses you can wear, there are people telling you that all of these methods work. However, the people claiming that these methods work only approve one method. So which one should I trust? Regardless of what I chose it will take a long time before any results are achieved.
Should I spend a year without glasses? Should I use both glasses and pinhole glasses? Should I use only pinhole glasses? Just because a product is modern doesn't mean it's good. Same applies for ancient things. There is no certainty. I wish someone could just tell me exactly what I should do to improve my eyesight, but that's not going to happen. The more people I ask, the more different opinions I'll have to chose from, and that won't make the choice easier. I can do eye exercises everyday, sure, they won't harm the eye, the worst that could happen is that nothing happens, but what should I do while I do this? Should I keep using glasses? Should I stop? Should I get a stronger prescription? Should I get a weaker prescription? I'm not sure, nor am I sure just how much time I spend each day pondering this problem, time I could spend better. Maybe doing eye exercises, for one, improving my eyesight at the cost of one thought at a time.
I'm lost.
This migraine made me realize just how very lost I am. I need a direction in life. I need motivation. I need certainty. I need to see better. I need to keep brushing my teeth. I need to get up early in the morning. I need to spend less time by the computer. I need to spend less time on things I don't need to spend time on, and more time on the things I should get finished right away. Some people say people never change, some people say they do, some people say that anarchy has to come before order, that something devastating has to happen before people can come to realization. Most people would agree that nothing as simple as one migraine could ever change someones life, but I'm letting this one change me, I'm taking this chance to think through my life and to do what I set out to do, whatever that may be.
