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The Nun (2018)

The Nun (2018)

This one really could have been on par with The Exorcism of Emily Rose, but they took it just a few steps too far! Unfortunately, since it really had a lot going for it. The atmosphere was impeccable. And it had it's ghastly moments too amidst the all too visual ones. It had good characters. It had a good setting. It had it all, really, just took it a little bit too far.

You recognize The Ring and Silent Hill and all of those traditional scary movie elements within it, with the creaking bones, and turning heads, and worst of all: jump scares.

I can't rate it too low though since it's still definitely the best scary movie I've seen in some time! Can't critique the filmography overall. There are really no flaws. Even that which might first seem like a stereotypically clumsy evil all works according to a bigger plan after all: it leads them where it wants them to go, slowly, suggestively, one clue at a time... even though it sometimes seems to try to kill them in the process.

I'm writing this in a dark house, alone, but I'm not really seeing shadows or ghosts around me though. It left me a little shook, but not scared out of my mind. Not possessed. Not in a fear that'll take some time to calm down. If only it had toned down the jumpscares a little bit more...

 rated 4.5/5: almost awesome

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

An erotic thriller/adventure movie with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman?! How had I never heard of this one before?

It doesn't disappoint either. It delves into a world of sex and mystery that I'd rather not detail here, just enjoy. There's duality as well as ambiguity. There's both the theatrical and the authentic. It's a clash of worlds, and a glimpse into one that the main character might never have believed he'd step into.

I'm not entirely convinced with Tom's acting, it doesn't feel on par with everyone around him, but everything else... well, what can I say. It's something else. It's one of those movies I never expected to see, and one I didn't expect to go as deep as it did. Stanley Kubrick knows his thing.

 rated 4/5: fo shizzle

Armed (2018)

Armed (2018)

It's about gun control. It's about a crazy guy. It's about a setup.

It's a both imaginative, feelgood, and dark movie, and it starts in such an everyday way that you're not really prepared for the turns it takes. After the main character holds an inspiring speech in front of a potential client, who turns out to be a pretty serious gangster: cockroaches start falling from the roof, and he accidentally slices the guys ear off... only it's just in his mind. The pressure amounts. The music starts going crazy. He accidentally nicks the ear instead. Jumps out the window and gets the hell out of there, and the gangsters ride after him!

With such an introduction maybe I should have expected something wasn't right. Maybe I should have expected what came later. But the bisexual, beautiful blue-haired girl, and the paranoid guy from his old group distracted me. I didn't see the big picture. Then it turns into an abduction drama, and when it's all over I'm both shook, and confused, and relieved, and smiling... such a twist. I was expecting an action movie like so many others, but this one blew me away, and at the same time it picks up on an important question, the one of arms. The right to bear arms. It doesn't take a side. It just brings up the question, and takes you along for one hell of a ride while it does. Did I mention it's inspired by true events, too? Totally different events than I pictured when I first heard it. I can say that much.

Props to Mario Van Peebles on playing the best main role I've seen in some time now, blue-haired girl you sure helped. The critics don't give this the praise it deserves. It hinted everything just enough, kept things cryptic, and didn't push the gun control in your face either. It went its own way entirely, and I appreciate that. All the special effects were solid too. If anything felt forced it may have been the final scenes.

 rated 5/5: friggin awesome

Bikini Girls V Dinosaurs (2014)

Bikini Girls V Dinosaurs (2014)

Somewhere nowhere near Earth;
outer space is brightly coloured
and a packet of digestive biscuits
will cost you well over £138.

A group of bad guys from the
tyrannical Block Horde Empire
are just itching for a space-battle...

I don't know if someone else wrote the above of if that was me. It was in my draft but it's not on IMDB. Not any longer, at least. It's the premise of the movie in somewhat more creative wording! A premise for a creative, but unfortunately pretty crappy movie.

I wish I could've laughed at it but... it's just too much. Too drawn out. Too much not-much-going-on. Special effects aren't all that special either, but a little B-movie vibe would be OK if there was also a little more build-up. Chemistry. Drama. Fighting. Something a bit more perceptible, you know?

I did get entertained so... props for that. But it's one of those B-movies with more theatrics than actual acting. Focus on expressions rather than events. Cheers to whomever designed the costumes though, and Bikini Girls: not bad. But the rest of the movie...

 rated 1/5: shit shit shit

G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987)

G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987)

Before the real-life G.I. movies of the 2010's there was apparently this!

I can't say I like it better than the newer ones, that either plot or animation quality is impressive and worth appreciating, but it does give me some serious nostalgia with the Hanna Barbera-style of animation. The flashing laser arrays, monstrous character designs, touch guys, and character motions that are both fluent but also so far-separated from the location - there's just no 'weight' to the motion. It wasn't all good, but it was a special style

Gotta love the era, so I can't rate it too low, but if you're looking for something like the newer ones: best keep waiting for the next sequel instead.

 rated 2/5: decent

6-Headed Shark Attack (2018)

6-Headed Shark Attack (2018)

Time for another shark movie, but it's really not a bad one this time! It's about a group of people taken to an island to undergo a form of couples therapy, but it just so happens a horrible experiment has gone wrong on that island. Resulting in: The 6-Headed Shark.

So it's got a backstory, and it's got a good main character, it's even got some girls (hey Nikita Faber), it's got beaches and oceans and everything. It's got drama too. Intensity. A sense of desperation, and relational twists along the way.

The only thing it does not have is good special effects. Unfortunately some gigantic limitations there draw down the score, but is what it is. I know shark movies might not be a particular subgenre where you need realism but... it needs more than this. Props Brandon Auret on playing a pretty tough-looking main character too, though some scenes... could've used some training.

 rated 3/5: not bad

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