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The Meg (2018)

The Meg (2018)

What kind of a name is The Meg for a shark movie anyway?

Oh! It's short for Megalodon, only the largest, most vicious shark ever to live, with no natural predators. Until Statham comes along, that is.

It was a species thought to be extinct by now, but on a fictional trip to the bottom of the ocean, a group of scientists discover this may not be the case after all.

One escapes the depths and comes after them, and you know who's there to save the day!

Chinese sponsors? Yupp. But I appreciate it. They bring together American and Chinese culture in a good way here - paying respect to each other.

I don't recognize all of the participants, but Ruby Rose seems familiar, Bingbing Li is beautiful, and I've definitely seen Jessica McNamee somewhere... the guys aren't bad either, but Jason's the definitive hero.

I was almost a bit disappointed they didn't in some way at least try to recreate the so iconic Jaws soundtrack, but they have a good one in its place, and I guess it really isn't all that similar a movie after all.

It's just the shark thing, and the research station, and both the place and the beast are way bigger this time around.

It's not all that scary, but impressive and intense, and the underwater scenes are pretty cool. They feel authentic too - in a spacey sci-fi like way.

Not much to critique. It's solid. Good watch.

 rated 4/5: fo shizzle

The Nun (2018)

The Nun (2018)

This one could have been on par with The Exorcism of Emily Rose, but they took it just a few steps too far! It had so much going for it.

The atmosphere was impeccable, and it had its ghastly moments too amidst the all too visual ones. It had good characters. It had a good setting. It had it all, really - just took it a little bit too far.

You recognize The Ring and Silent Hill and all of those traditional scary movie elements within it, with the creaking bones, and turning heads, and worst of all: jump scares.

I can't rate it too low though since it's still definitely the best scary movie I've seen in some time! Can't critique the filmography overall. There are really no flaws there; nor with the script.

Even that which might first seem like a stereotypically clumsy evil all works according to a bigger plan after all: it leads them where it wants them to go, slowly, suggestively, one clue at a time... even though it sometimes seems to try to kill them in the process.

And I love the cover.

I'm writing this in a dark house though, alone, but I'm not really seeing shadows or ghosts around me. It left me a little shook, but not scared out of my mind. Not possessed. Not jumpy; in a sweat and fear that'll take some time to calm down.

If only it had toned down the jumpscares a little bit more...

 rated 4.5/5: almost awesome

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

An erotic thriller/adventure movie with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman?! How had I never heard of this one before!

It doesn't disappoint either. It delves into a world of sex and mystery that I'd rather not detail here, just enjoy. There's duality as well as ambiguity. There's both the theatrical and the authentic.

It's a clash of worlds, and a glimpse into one that the main character might never have believed he'd step into.

I'm not entirely convinced with Tom's acting, it doesn't feel on par with everyone around him, but everything else... well, what can I say. It's something else. It's one of those movies I never expected to see, and one I didn't expect to go as deep as it did.

But I'm glad it did.

 rated 4/5: fo shizzle

Armed (2018)

Armed (2018)

It's about gun control. It's about a crazy guy. It's about a setup.

It's a both imaginative, feelgood, and dark movie, and it starts in such an everyday way that you're not really prepared for the turns it takes.

After the main character holds an inspiring speech in front of a potential client, who turns out to be a pretty serious gangster: cockroaches start falling from the ceiling, and he accidentally slices the guys ear off... only it's just in his mind.

The pressure amounts. The music starts going crazy. He accidentally nicks the ear instead, the guy gets pissed off, his goons go to attack, and the main character jumps out of the window and gets the hell out of there, and the gangsters give chase!

With such an intro maybe I should have expected something wasn't right. Maybe I should have expected what came later.

But the bisexual, beautiful blue-haired girl, and the paranoid guy from his old group distracted me. I didn't see the big picture.

Then it turns into an abduction drama, and when it's all over I'm both shook, and confused, and relieved, and smiling... such a twist.

I was expecting an action movie like so many others, but this one blew me away, and at the same time it picks up on an important question: the one of arms. The right to bear arms. It doesn't take a side. It just brings up the question, and takes you along for one hell of a ride while it does.

Did I mention it's inspired by true events, too? Totally different events than I pictured when I first heard that. I can say that much.

Props to Mario Van Peebles on playing the best main role I've seen in some time, and beautiful blue-haired girl: you sure helped.

The critics don't give this the praise it deserves.

They say it loses you, but I believe it hinted everything just enough, kept things cryptic, and didn't push the gun control in your face either. It went its own way entirely, and I appreciate that.

The special effects were solid too. Or rather: ethereal. Surreal. Special.

If anything felt forced it may have been the final scenes, but for the most part it was perfect. It was anything but what I was expecting, so much more than I bargained for, and these days: that's rare. This one stands out, and it does so in a good way as far as I'm concerned.

Maybe you'll get a totally different experience if you're prepared for it, but if you happen to have skipped the entire review above and just started reading this: go watch it. Spoilers above. Sorry.

You're better off unprepared.

 rated 5/5: friggin awesome

Bikini Girls V Dinosaurs (2014)

Bikini Girls V Dinosaurs (2014)

Somewhere nowhere near Earth;
outer space is brightly coloured
and a packet of digestive biscuits
will cost you well over £138.

A group of bad guys from the
tyrannical Block Horde Empire
are just itching for a space-battle...

I don't know if someone else wrote the above of if that was me. It was in my draft but it's not on IMDB. Not any longer, at least. It's the premise of the movie in somewhat more creative wording! A premise for a creative, but unfortunately pretty crappy movie.

I wish I could've laughed at it but... it's just too much. Too drawn out. Too much not-much-going-on. Special effects aren't all that special either, but a little B-movie vibe would be OK if there was also a little more build-up. Chemistry. Drama. Fighting. Something a bit more perceptible, you know?

I did get entertained so... props for that. But it's one of those B-movies with more theatrics than actual acting. With focus on expressions rather than events.

Cheers to whomever designed the costumes, and Bikini Girls: not bad.

But the rest of the movie...

 rated 1/5: shit shit shit

G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987)

G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987)

Before the real-life G.I. movies of the 2010's there was apparently this!

I can't say I like it better than the newer ones - that either plot or animation quality is impressive and worth appreciating, but it does give me some serious nostalgia with the Hanna Barbera-style of animation.

The flashing laser arrays, monstrous character designs, tough guys, and character motions that are both fluent but also so far-separated from the location - there's just no 'weight' to the motion. No gravity. No realistic physics. Is this really the Habba Barbera style...? Maybe there were others.

It wasn't all good, but it was a special style, from a special time.

Gotta love the era, so I can't rate this too low, but if you're looking for something like the newer one you'd best keep waiting for the sequel instead. This might be fun for the nostalgia, but not much more.

 rated 2/5: decent

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