The darkest day has passed, yet I'm sitting here with a headache, watching an inspiring showcase of how the universe first came to be and what it may hold for us in the future; contemplating the goals and doings of the New Year that is all too rapidly closing in.
I haven't had nearly as much time as I would've liked these last few days.
Or weeks. Months. Year, too.
That's something I always say around this time of year, but looking back at the progress of the blog the last couple of months - the monthly post count averaging the same as the amount of posts I just linked to, and life in general, it feels like the threshold of available time has decreased drastically compared to previous years.
And it doesn't feel like I'm accomplishing more.
Some weeks I've been almost working full time - that's part of an ongoing work-related new platform preparing endeavor of which the final preparations are currently being made - but that doesn't seem like big enough a factor to impact my spare time as much as it has. How am I spending my days otherwise? Too much Pokemon? I had to play a bit before I posted this, to get the heat rock instead of the damp rock, and collect the prop item for day 2 out of 7 (I already had it apparently - just had to check Monday off my list), so I can count at least these day-based prop items off my calender. A large amount of other trivial 100%-completion related tasks remain...
All while listening to a podcast, of course. There's been a lot of those too. But they don't impact my work time, nor free time. Possibly they impact the time in which I let my mind roam, and rest. I'm attaining a considerable amount of knowledge, but maybe it's at the cost of something too. Peace of mind. Creative surplus. What can it be.
But that's not it. That's not the defining factor. It might be a sense of hopelessness... a steadily increasing responsibility and burden I've only previously seen with others, and then trivialized. Other people may deal with that stuff but I don't. I live the adult life but my psyche won't be affected. I'm stronger. When I leave work I leave the notion of work behind. The work ends when I close the work door. I separate my free time and my work time, and dedicate my free time to my dreams, and visions, and occasionally also addictive recreational pastimes (I mean games - movies - that stuff) that both weaken and strengthen me.
But lately it lingers. I can't seem to shut off entirely. Maybe it's because I occasionally work from home now. Maybe it's because I've responded to work-related emails in my off-time, which I've earlier almost considered somewhat of a grave taboo... here due to my boss finding my freelance-related email to send work-related correspondence to within said time.
But that's an email that anyone can reach me on; at any time. If that's really a problem all I have to do is say so, and to either remove the contact form from my site or to stop checking email during hours that I wouldn't consider work hours. Or can it really be that different strains of work fit so ideally within different compartments in time? That some work is streamlined towards a home office, and other work to another one, and whereas one is easy to manage without related tasks having a lingering thought-related effect, the other requires a separated presence to manage the best possible way?
I feel like I should still be able to distance myself, but my psyche isn't as far off as it has been. I get disturbed more easily. I get stressed more easily. I understand the hardships people face with certain situations I previously also felt I just wasn't privy to. My sense of superiority at not falling for these everyday traps of trials and tribulations that everybody else seems to face fades away... is it a coming of age thing? Is it a build up of stress thing? Is it a sleeping a bit less thing? I don't know... possibly it's just an excitement and occasionally aggravation at the hiccups of launching a new platform thing, that will soon fade and turn back to routine when this shizzle gets done.
Possibly it's all of the above linked to a sliver of seasonal depression, and the state of mind a not ideal body shape tends to lead you to. I need to get in shape. I tend to eat too much when I have no time to exercise which, of course, leads to even less of an ideal transformation of the me. Mind and body are interlinked on so many levels. I know this already. Why can't I control this already. Just got to go on and steady.
I also don't feel like this year's Christmas break was as long as I needed it to be. Admittedly I'm still on my first day of this break (not counting the weekend), but it's just three more days after this... then it's back to work again. Then a weekend. Then back to work again. Then finally a couple more days as the new year's phased in - and not just the New Year but the New Decade.
Which is a big thing. I have huge plans for this one- both the year and the decade, and this lack of time and peace of mind leads me to doubt my ability to actually actualize all that I have planned, which along with the knowledge that I still haven't properly revised any blogs on the site since before this summer further contributes to this sense of last-minute year end desperation, and a recurrent uncertainty as to what's really important in life. If I have to prioritize: What?
So that's the big question I face as 2020 draws near, with vague hopes to finish certain things I've left over, yet all in conflict with a wish to just leave it be and make these Christmas days more about rest, exercise and communion, so I can start the New Year with a fresh mind, eyes wide and awake and gazing straight ahead, at whatever this coming decade may have to offer.
It's good though, isn't it? Experience. Life lessons. Trials.
I'd like to take them more as that and less like bummers. Less like a notion that I'm starting to work too much on the wrong things, or that I'm falling behind on my dreams. My life is partially amazing but in other parts not all how I envisioned it to be: Without ties. Without obligations. Hard work, thorough breaks, harmony, and never a wasted moment.
Life doesn't all work out that way does it? For now it seems at least like my knack for writing's still intact, and with all this off my chest maybe the blog does still serve somewhat of a purpose too. Maybe a more important one than I realize, when I don't spend enough time here.
Will the New Year provide more of these writing opportunities? Will I fall behind even further, or will I catch up? Will things return to normal, or will they change? For the better? For the worse? Will I figure out my priorities and take control over this train of personal evolution; understanding; accomplishment; other nonsensical things that seems to currently be riding on a runaway track with uncertain end or future?
Tune in to find out more, whenever such progress has been made that the answer presents itself, on the CDB blog of the New Year! To the future. To 2020. To whatever lies ahead...