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Steel (1997)

Steel (1997)

Throw together Eraser, Shaq and Batman and what do you get? Something like Steel.

I never knew Shaq could act and... he can't. Really. His set of expressions is so limited, but if you've watched (and enjoyed) Arnold's movies you'll know that's not always a bad thing! He does have charisma, though his relations with other characters falter. Their bonds... there's always something missing.

The movie: a farce of a military weapon development project gone wrong, feels neither like a real action movie or a real action comedy, it's something in between, and as the criminals run rampant and the Man of Steel jumps in like RoboCop to save the day - only he's a vigilante too - it all comes across a bit more ridiculous than I think is intended.

I wonder if the directors just didn't have the balls to tell Shaq to change up his expressions, or demeanor, or anything else.

It's entertaining. The costume designs are fun - in a B-movie nineties kind of way, but it's really not one of the best movies of the era.

It's feelgood though. Watch it if you ever need a bit of that.

 rated 3/5: not bad

Bloodshot (2020)

Bloodshot (2020)

Vin Diesel sure knows how to make some kick-ass action! No exceptions.

This is the story about a soldier, who's killed by his wife's killer, only to be given a second chance - awakened with superpowers - nanites in his blood - that make him pretty much immune to all projectile-based damage (read: bullets). At least just enough to let him nail those killers...

It's Memento mixed with a little Inception, especially at the end. Spoiler? Maybe a little...

I really enjoyed the boat scene. I really enjoyed the action amidst a barrage of flour. I really enjoy the girl. I really enjoy Wiggins, and the little bits of brightness he brings into the otherwise so dark and serious film, but why is it they just can't seem to make humans fighting amidst a fall seem realistic?! The end scene when the building collapsed was epic no doubt, but the special effects before it: somewhat forced.

They don't respect gravity anymore. They don't respect the art. Transformer sound effects too. All that shizzle...

Major props on being one of the most pompous blockbusters I've seen in a while, like Riddick times a hundred, just wish they'd get those special effects right. Or skip them entirely.

 rated 4.5/5: almost awesome

Iron Sky 2 - The Coming Race (2019)

Iron Sky 2 - The Coming Race (2019)

I almost missed this one! Since I watched the premiere of Iron Sky with buddy bear almost a decade back now, I've been waiting on the sequel. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting so long I almost forgot it was coming, like it was hiding on the dark side of the moon until one day it popped up on my radar again.

And it's another great movie, but more so fun to watch than like the first one. More like Kung Fury than Iron Sky. It's got dinosaurs, y'know? It's just... a little bit much. And though I loved seeing it I just can't feel the same way about it. It's a bit like Serious Sam 2 after the first and second encounters. Like they warped up the comedy and forgot about everything else that made the original great in the first place. The breadth? The balance? The focus? A little bit of a lot of different things probably.

It was creative and surprising, just like the first, yet a little much up and down and inconclusive. And neither the Nazis, nor the other race, nor the secultists, felt like that big a threat. They all get introduced too fast and wiped out too fast, and the parodying of various world leaders just loses impact.

They could've done so much more with this. Could've kept it real(er).

 rated 3/5: not bad

Rise Of The Footsoldier 4 - Marbella (2019)

Rise Of The Footsoldier 4 - Marbella (2019)

This felt almost like the GTA of action movies, starring the main man Pap Tate (Craig Fairbrass), along with a dame, and a couple of uneducated but local associates, in a drug and money and Marbella-related farce that deals with both vengeance and a return to the good life in parallel.

If you haven't seen the prequels (I haven't) you might feel that it ends a bit pointlessly, and not relate as much to the man as to the lady, but if you know what he's been through already...? Maybe then things will be different. I can't say. I wouldn't know yet.

I wouldn't mind watching some of the prequels here, to see if this is the kind of franchise that gets better the more you see it, but as it is it's not bad. It looks good. They play good. It goes full circle. It just doesn't have a main character, good or no, you'd ever trust your life with. Or wife with. Or even a dollar. He's tough but (at a movie 4 glance) no role model.

 rated 3/5: not bad

The Final Level: Escaping Rancala (2019)

The Final Level: Escaping Rancala (2019)

Jumanji, but with mainly girls, bad actors, bad fighters, and bad effects? Why not!

Although it starts with a rain of sharks and dinosaurs and a very cliche beach, it does get better. The characters bond, and as actors it seems they get better and better as well, culminating with an arcade-style fight sequence that actually wasn't bad at all. If only they'd actually been fighters...

I won't watch this again, but as far as sub-par mainstream blockbuster movie clones go it wasn't all too shabby. Fun little ride, arcade vibes and smiles, but still clearly a B-movie, and not one of the iconics.

 rated 2/5: decent

The Vixens Of Kung Fu (1975)

The Vixens Of Kung Fu (1975)

He would conquer the wind, the sea, and the... the dragon.

I thought this would be one of those seventies movies that was on the brink of, but not entirely, porn.

My bad. Turns out it was entirely porn. Just creative seventies such, starring a few girls who suck the energy out of a man they stumble upon, and that man then finds a master to teach him the art of Kung Fu to get that energy back. Pretty much.

Energy as in sexual energy, y'know?

It had some good scenes but... it's definitely northing like My Nights With Susan & Co. It's not that kind of movie. Best not watch this for plot device if you do, more so aesthetics and timeless entertainment.

 rated 3/5: not bad

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