It's getting frustrating to sit inside.
And to be outside.
And to do anything, really.
My days have become chores, my vacation time didn't become one, my parents are pacing around the house and I'm eating too much candy and breathing tensely and slowly going a little crazy.
My dues are piling up.
My diary from last year still isn't complete. My new one's easier to fill in.
It's a five-year diary with but a portion of each page reserved for each year, but instead of feeling less pressure with less page space I'm missing the opportunity to write more now, yet can't seem to get to filing through missed pages from last year instead.
I have weights on my mind that I'd like to heave off now, and the diary pages would be proper form for starters.
I wonder if the covid's in my lungs, or in the airways somewhere.
After I've been out walking I feel like it takes a while for me to catch my breath now. Like I never breath as deeply as I should. I spit out loads of phlegm during the walks, but get back feeling like there's more inside me than when I left.
Does the cold produce it?
Does it just amplify the sensation a while after?
Does it make it worse?
Maybe I shouldn't be outside at all, or walking at all, but with all the candy I've been eating I feel I have to. And yes I know I shouldn't be eating candy at all - especially such that contains milk, or gluten, or glucose-fructose - as some of my recently consumed ones do. It's just like I don't care no more. Like I'm a teenager again. Like my hormones are out of balance and a motor for perpetual angst.
I loath my regular workdays too, and I fear phone calls from my sister, who calls every day now to check in on us. Sometimes multiple times/day.
Up till recently I've been the only one able to take those calls, so we've talked to the point I feel I have nothing more to say and don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to hear about her problems too. I don't want more problems. I have enough. I want to fix my own. First and foremost.
My mom's more energetic now though. She's taking over the talks. She appreciates them more than I do, and then of course so does my sister.
She (mom) currently has no sense of taste or smell though. I had to tell her she might need a change of clothes. Usually she's prudent and proper and in no need of such feedback - though less and less perceptive with age.
My dad doesn't hear well, and walks hunched over, and has seemed older than ever this last week. It's like his hearing's worsened too. He speaks to me in a polite and fatherly way, offering advice on how I might need to shovel away the snow around my car before I drive to work on Monday - if I'm well enough to drive to work on Monday - as it might start melting and freeze over and become all the more difficult to shove. But I don't feel appreciative, more so burned by what seems like additional responsibilities beyond all these concurrent household chores.
I wish I didn't feel that way. I wish I was happy we were having friendly and helpful conversations, cause these are relations you don't get easy, and I should cherish them when I have them. I want him to know I do appreciate the advice. Whatever else is weighing on my mind I do.
I washed the dishes a couple days, when my mom was at her worst, but she's taken over that particular duty again.
Not that I mind washing dishes.
Usually she just doesn't want anyone else to. The basin is her bastion; her exclusive purpose in this house, so it feels wrong to take over that particular task. It's comforting that she's back at it.
Nobody's washing clothes though, or vacuuming the house. The floor's littered with dust and debris. My blankets are going yellow. My towel's sour. Christmas presents still sit on my desk, awaiting proper inventory.
I usually make notes as to who gave what, and take a collective photo of all gifts received, and then stash them away for future usage or storage. Usually pretty soon after Christmas Eve...
I make notes on what I give too, as I wrap up my presents. I'm pretty meticulous about these things. Same with birthdays. Not that I ever show these lists of gifts to the world, but in a way maybe it's self-gratifying to know that you give... and a useful reference for future purhcase/plans.
The gift I had the highest hopes for this year - a gift to the whole family, a luxurious milk frothing machine, wasn't received so well.
I bought it months ago, so I can't take it back to the shop now. I'll be trying to sell it instead. Mint condition. Not used. Possibly highly desirable by others at near the initial price? I hope so. I don't want to lose anything on this most prestigious, and what I thought would be more appreciated, gift.
Looking back I feel like maybe I should've known better. Our house is small, with limited spatial surface or stashing areas, and my mom doesn't like new things, or expensive gifts, even if she has constant issues with frothing milk properly with the little electrical whisk she uses.
It was a well-intended, but retrospectively excessive purchase beyond current living standards and capacities. Just hope it's not lost money.
The Christmas decorations still stand high in the house.
The tree's still there - it'll be taken out this Thursday if we're all well enough and everything goes as we plan.
But I feel like I missed Christmas this year. Even now I'm not appreciating the décor as I should. We eat dinner in the living room, by the tree, with candles on the table, but I don't stay seated that long. I eat little since I'm not that hungry, but my plate's full. The dues are still there. Both last year's and new ones, and sometimes I wake up optimistic, intent on managing as much as possible with the span of time that lies before me, but usually the day ends without me accomplishing all I'd set out to, and thus nights leave me frustrated and disillusioned, and I stay up late even though I don't have the required focus for additional tasks, and wake up late, and the day's too short to manage all I'd like to, and I fall asleep later again...
I've taken no sick leave from work this time.
Work days are limited and I need the money. I appreciate it more when less of it streams in - more than I have before now. I'm intent on getting as much as I can from the job that I have right now. I've signed up for at least one online lecture a week for four weeks in advance too, to make the most of the time I now have on the side, but I'm not particularly motivated in learning what they might teach me either. Not now. Not yet.
I took a bath yesterday, and poured out the contents of an age-old little yellow aroma duck with some fragrant bath-related concoction that's been saving away in my closet for all too long. Felt like it was time to use it, and to use the other similar, and colorful little complements I've held stashed away for too long there now too in future baths.
It's time to live! The bath bag is out in the open now.
Feels good to clear out the closet at least a little, to not save up unnecessarily on everything, as I feel I have for some time.
That's a recipe for stagnation, and you notice it in your life as you notice it with your items. When they near or pass their expiration dates. When they grow hard and unwieldly. When they break with age. When their reason for being is no longer, and it feels so unnecessary that you saved them all that time when they'd have been so much more useful earlier on, like the reason for saving them in the first place is no longer and maybe never was...
I wonder if it's the same with money. Maybe I should spend. Maybe monetary savings are but a burden too.
But that bath was nice.
I relaxed. I tested how long I could hold my breath underwater and was shocked when I managed over two minutes easy. Could I have been able to hold for three? I felt like I didn't want to try longer than I was comfortable with, and the sheer amount of time that had passed then made me uncomfortable, even if I didn't actually feel like I needed to breath.
I haven't been doing any deep-breathing exercises lately so I wonder how I could've managed that... not to mention I have covid, and actually feel short on breath as I'm typing this, and I've grown fat.
Wonder if it's a benefit of one of the many supplements I'm currently taking to battle this thing, or if it could be that the levels of oxygen in my body are so low that holding my breath actually helps raise those levels? Extra carbon dioxide in bloodstream = more oxygen? I'm curious. I wonder.
I took a late night walk instead of a bath today, but it didn't relax me the least. I need the movement, but maybe a bath would've been better.
I came back and had a talk with my mom and was overall just annoyed with everything, frustrated at the times and trials and amounting dues and responsibilities and what have you.
Not sure exactly which dues are bugging me the most.
Not sure exactly what I need to do to feel better.
I'm glad I didn't say anything in anger though. She's asleep now and I'm sitting here, venting the best way I know how, and I am feeling better for it now.
Maybe all I really need is a good sleep and I'll feel great in the morning.