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The Comfort Zone Post

I wrote up a post a few days back that turned out so personal I hesitated to post it.

I didn't post it, actually. I still haven't. And that has me questioning why I do this in the first place. Why do I blog, if not to get out of my comfort zone? Not just to vent, but to explore the lesser known nooks and crannies of my turbulent psyche, and to put some of this potential greatness and/or weakness and/or revelation on paper?

Be it on a low point or a high one. So that I may grow stronger, and better, and so that I may maybe live forever. If not as myself then at least in a formulated essence I leave behind.

This ain't social media. This isn't FB. I'm not trying to put on a façade here and be someone I'm really not. To portray me only in the positive moments. Being introspective forces you to grow, and getting out of your comfort zone seems essential in being introspective.

Online these days it seems people would rather just hide, and be someone else. Pick up a fake online persona they stand behind, and never reveal their true dreams or intentions to the world.

I don't want to be that way though.

All the power to them, but I don't feel power in anonymity.

Or maybe that's the wrong word. I do. Maybe I do. Maybe that's just not kind of power I have. A power that takes away my reason for being true to myself, and taking responsibility for my actions. I want to be present, in the world and in myself.

And I feel like the stamp of a true artist is to put out the full you, with flaws and defects and everything. You can't hold back, less you have no authenticity, and no purpose. What is art but a reflection of the self? And if you're too afraid to stand in front of a mirror then what's the point.

Just be a vampire instead.

I guess I should post that post after all...

This one ended up way less introspective than I planned though.

Think I just am out of word. Have other dues right now. Maybe I lost a bit of my drive with that hesitation?

I'll get back to this later. When I'm a better writer. When I can conclude with a little wisdom and vision and keep going on that inner mission, the rich one, all-nighter, not this one...

Aaand I posted that post, a little belated. And this one too.

Fuck you comfort.

Flesh Will Rot...

Flesh will rot but songs remain in ages.

Corona Woes

It's getting frustrating to sit inside.

And to be outside.

And to do anything, really.

My days have become chores, my vacation time didn't become one, my parents are pacing around the house and I'm eating too much candy and breathing tensely and slowly going a little crazy.

My dues are piling up. My diary from last year still isn't complete. My new one's easier to fill in - it's a five-year diary with but a portion of each page reserved for each individual year, but instead of feeling less pressure with less page space I'm missing the opportunity to write more now, yet can't seem to get to filing through missed pages from last year instead. I have weights on my mind that I'd like to heave off now, and the diary pages would be proper form.

I wonder if the covid's in my lungs, or in the airways somewhere. After I've been out walking I feel like it takes a while for me to catch my breath now. Like I never breath as deeply as I should. I spit out loads of phlegm during the walks, but get back feeling like there's more inside me than when I left.

Does the cold produce it? Does it just amplify the sensation a while after? Does it make it worse?

Maybe I shouldn't be outside at all, or walking at all, but with all the candy I've been eating I feel I have to. And yes I know I shouldn't be eating candy at all - especially such that contains milk, or gluten, or glucose-fructose - as some of my recently consumed ones do. It's like I don't care no more. Like I'm a teenager again. Like my hormones are imbalanced and a motor for perpetual angst.

I loath work. I fear phone calls from my sister - who calls every day now to check in with us - and up till recently I've been the only one able to take those calls, so we've talked to the point I feel I have nothing to say to her and don't really want to talk anymore. My mom's more energetic now. She's taking over.

She has no sense of taste or smell though. I had to tell her she might need a change of clothes. My dad doesn't hear well, and walks hunched over, and seems older than ever this last week. It's like his hearing's worsened too. He speaks to me in a fatherly way, offering advice on how I might need to shovel away the snow around my car before I drive to work on Monday - if I'm well enough to drive to work on Monday - as it might start melting and freeze over and become all the more difficult to shove. But I don't feel appreciative, more so just burned by what feel like additional responsibilities beyond all these concurrent household chores.

I washed the dishes a couple days, when my mom was at her worst, but she's taken over that particular duty again.

Usually she doesn't want anyone else to. The basin is her bastion; her exclusive purpose in this house.

Nobody's washing clothes though, or vacuuming the house. The floor's littered with dust and debris. My blankets are going yellow. My towel's sour. Christmas presents still gather on my desk, waiting for proper inventory.

I usually make notes as to who gave what, and take a collective photo of all gifts received, and then stash them away for future usage, wherever relevant.

The present I had highest hopes for this year - a gift to the whole family, wasn't received so well. I bought it months ago, so I can't take it back to the shop now. I'll be trying to sell it instead. Mint condition. Not used. Possibly highly desirable by others at near the initial price? I hope so. I don't want to lose anything on this most prestigious, and what I thought would be more appreciated, gift.

The Christmas decorations still stand high in the house. The tree's still there - it'll be taken out this Thursday if we're all well enough and everything goes as we plan. But I feel like I missed Christmas. Even now I'm not appreciating the décor as much as I should. We eat dinner in the living room, by the tree, with candles on the table, but I don't stay seated that long. I eat little since I'm not that hungry these days, but my plate's full. The dues are still there. Both last year's and new ones, and sometimes I wake up optimistic - intent on managing as much as possible with the span of time that lies before me, but usually the day ends without me accomplishing all I'd set out to, and thus nights leave me frustrated and disillusioned, and I stay up late even though I don't have the required focus for additional tasks, and wake up late, and the day's too short to manage all I'd like too, and I fall asleep later again...

I've taken no sick leave from work this time. Work days are limited and I need the money. I appreciate it more when less of it streams in. I'm intent on getting as much as I can from the job that I have right now. I've signed up for at least one lecture a week for four weeks in advance too, to make the most of the time I now have on the side, but I'm not particularly motivated in learning what they might teach me either. Not now. Not yet.

I took a bath yesterday, and poured out the contents of an age-old little yellow aroma duck with some fragrant bath-related concoction that's been saving away in my closet for all too long. Felt like it was time to use it, and to use the other similar, and colorful little complements I've held stashed away for too long now too.

It's time to live!

Feels good to clear out the closet at least a little, to not save up unnecessarily, on everything, as I feel I have for some time.

That's a recipe for stagnation, and you notice it in your life as you notice it with your items. When they near or pass their expiration dates. When they grow hard and unwieldly. When they break with age. When their reason for being is no longer, and it feels so unnecessary that you saved them all that time when they'd have been so much more useful earlier on, like the reason for saving them in the first place is no longer and maybe never was... I wonder if it's the same with money. Maybe I should spend. Maybe such savings are but a burden too.

But that bath was nice. I relaxed. I tested how long I could hold my breath underwater and was shocked when I managed over two minutes easy. Could I have been able to hold for three? I felt like I didn't want to try for longer than I was comfortable with, and the sheer amount of time that had passed then made me uncomfortable, even if I didn't actually feel like I needed to breath.

I haven't been doing any deep-breathing exercises lately so I wonder how I could've managed that... not to mention I have covid, and actually feel short on breath as I'm typing this, and I've grown fat. Wonder if it's a benefit of one of the many supplements I'm currently taking to battle this thing, or if it could possibly be that the levels of oxygen in my body are so low that I can actually hold my breath for longer as such an act helps it recover? Extra carbon dioxide in bloodstream = more oxygen? I'm curious. I wonder.

I took a late night walk instead of a bath today, but it didn't relax me the least.

I came back and had a talk with my mom and was overall just annoyed with everything, frustrated at the times and trials and amounting dues and responsibilities and what have you.

Not sure exactly which ones are bugging me the most. Not sure exactly what I need to do to feel better.

I'm glad I didn't say anything in anger though. She's asleep now and I'm sitting here, venting the best way I know how, and feeling better for it.

Maybe all I really need is a good sleep and I'll feel great in the morning.

Don't Say Bad Things About Yourself...

Don't say bad things about yourself, your conscience doesn't know you're joking.

Out Of Touch


Happy 2022!

Happy 2022!

Happy 2022 y'all! You can look back at my first post of last year here.
It feels familiar, though visuals are a bit more meager, as if I was unwilling to bet it all on the grand new view then... how about now?

I've started reading through the previous as I post the new one too, as to reflect on how things change from year to year, so of course that plays a part in the similarities. Can't neglect the introspect inspect.

In regard to the blog I didn't think I'd posted much in 2021 at all, but apparently the collective archive of posts is at least a couple pages longer than the one the year before, and that year I posted more than the year before that, so it seems I've been steadily progressing in the blogging department the last few years!

Even though times have seemed lesser. Even though I don't feel I've had time to write often at all, save for short notices when I leave for summer and then get back for fall - plus occasionally a queue of belated and previously unpublished movie reviews.

My posts aren't getting shorter either. They're getting all the more introspective and chaotic. Real as it gets here on CDB. So I'm surprised.

Let's see if I can keep the upward trend going this next year too. ;)

Looking onward hopefully this is the year everything starts looking up.

We've had some hard times. The world's been locked down. Natural resources are getting scarce. It's affecting the foodchain. Electricity's getting expensive. It's affecting the reality of renewable fuels and how green a future we're really headed towards. Wealth's been redistributed heavily. The rich are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer, and both we and the world are being all the more exploited for it.

So hopefully this is the year we finally pass through this pandemic veil (though those c********* theorists would say it won't be till 2025), get our shit sorted out collectively as a human race - seems this recent craze is showing us flaws in our societal design we urgently need to fix - and individually, personally, on the solo YOLO level albeit with a little helpful collective support get our own shit figured out too.

I booked in a three day meditation retreat at the Northernmost Buddhist temple in the world for starters (it's free - pay what you want). February. Hopefully the flights still fly and the life's no lie. And I'll be working on that work thing. I'll get it all working. I'll go thin and get on with the searching, and get more bling than an urchin. And nurture all things deserving.

The irony that I joked about being absolutely positive [about what is irrelevant] - but not corona-positive last year, and this year I am corona-positive. But not all positive. But I think that's due to the corona. Haven't been getting my traditional two daily walks for a week now, and that's no good for my mind, but I'm not so negative I can't leave that behind and push on. To a new dawn. *wooosh* *yawn*

The sky of fireworks is inspiring. Heightens my sense of hope. Makes me feel alive and cope. Reminds me it's a fresh start. Though I shan't write as poetic a causerie on said colorful skylit blitz this year. I'm at peace but tired - feel free to refer to prior New Year posts for more wordy delights thereof.

Actually saying I'm at peace might not be true entirely. The day leading up to New Year festivities was stressful, and both my parents are sick and tired - an unfortunate state for celebration, but we did have a dinner, and cheer in the New Year with a bottle of Jacob's Creek Chardonnay I'd had the foresight to stock up on well in advance, look at the fireworks a bit, and then I stayed up to write this while they both went to sleep.

I feel contemplative. I feel focused. I feel intrigued by the New Year. But also a little disappointed it turned out like it did, that I'm not ready for the new start full charge, and that Christmas wasn't the time of recuperation and rest it usually is. We kickstarted an After-Christmas sales campaign the day after Christmas, and life moves on as usual. Work through the holidays.

My big bro called from Östersund - he and his girl were solving a thousand piece puzzle each and had it been at it for eleven hours so far, and my sister was about to head outside and view the fireworks, though she's sick now too. Same shizzle. Threat level may not be that high but it's definitely a contagion. Spreads like a fire from one of those Chinese lanterns some people actually send up for the New Year when they occasionally drift into a tree or garage or something they shouldn't drift into does.

2021 was admittedly... maybe not the most amazing year thus far, so let's make this one all the better shall we? All the things the last one could've been but wasn't. All that which we wanted it to be. There's no better time than the now to reflect on what we want and make each new realization a to-be reality. Don't impede the impending. Go out and get befriending. Start saving more than spending. Beginning more than ending. Less throwing, more mending. More sowing, less lending. Less going, more... sending? You'll know when, you're there. So Happy, New Year.

You can find my recent resolutions posts here, on the other side of the yearly divide, as usual. I'll revise this and that a bit better tomorrow.

Whatever happens though I will definitely keep on writing, and blogging, and making music. And I'll see you kids: later.

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Keeping the world since 2004.