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The Work Thing

Midlife crisis? Work-related crisis? Life-related crisis? Whatever the crisis my vice is: thinking too much about this.

I can't keep work off my mind even during the weekends lately, and I wonder if that has to do with working from home so much, and not differentiating between locations for free time and work time. It's not ideal, but driving to the office everyday's not ideal either. Not for finances, nor for time, nor for the potential health detriments that might come with all too much mobility in these crazy times...

But the problem isn't really that work's always on my mind. The problem's the work. I'm not working with something I fundamentally enjoy, and somehow I seem to have moved further and further from the realm of optimal creative design, and more monotone but acceptable regular IT work and administration, to the realm of server administration, command-line, and digging through code and trying to figure out how it works as to solve company problems I'm not really qualified to deal with...

It's taking a toll. And dues pile. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, and that I'm being underappreciated for what I do manage to do considering the overwhelming complexity of all the more of an effort I make to actually keep up with it.

I have years worth of education within the field of design and basic programming languages linked to web-related ditto. I'm self-taught initially. I honed my skills with further university level learning. I love design. And content. I love tinkering with sites like this. I tried a C++ course once and realized that wasn't my thing, yet the gap between design and code these days seems to be shrinking. Not only do the same agencies deal with both - with combined efforts from programmer/designer side - but plenty of talented individuals really delve as deep into one side of the business as the other one. The old cliche that programmers focus only on the functional aspects of something - and how the design always comes second and ends up looking like shit - doesn't seem to apply anymore.

Maybe for some. I don't see it though. Everyone's hella talented these days.

I've never considered the opposite as much. That those who consider themselves primarily designers might focus all too much on the visual, and that their work instead ends up lacking in functionality. Does that apply? I feel like functionality's a part of design too. Interface design is a thing. It just might be my specialty. Though implementing desired interface functionality in code if it isn't there already, if you don't have a programmer to help you with it, is another beast entirely.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this kind of work.

Computer work.

I doubt by the burdens that pile, and observe for a while, it's so verdant outside, as I curl in denial, always bursting with rhymes, never searching to fly, only biding my time while the vultures come circle. A circle of jerks.

I'm a worldly observer.

But really though. Stressed out.

Don't want to let the company down, but can't keep going like this all too long either. Energy depletes, focus becomes a challenge, getting up in the morning's difficult, I try all sorts of self-affirmation tricks but no serious meditation yet. Momentary experimentation only goes so far. D-vitamin no longer seems to be the cure-all for my winter depression... cause this no longer has much to do with winter does it? No darkness is due. Our weather's beautiful. Both sun and snow for three weeks now. It's incredible. I should be so uplifted.

Nor do the cold showers kickstart me as they initially used to. Nor does coffee work as a viable replacement for that kick - it just gives me a headache if I skip a cup, and deep-breathing, music, writing, all this shizzle... it's not enough! Not when I'm not actually doing something about my great hurdle; keep on letting it grow to unsustainable proportions. Some day it's gonna fall.

My job. Such a central part in life. Whether it's me or them - or a combination thereof - I need to either regain a sense of purpose and peace or get the fuck out of here. Find something that truly matters. That gets me where I want to be. That lets me feel free. Or more so just: let's me feel.

Something good. Something real. Something that syncs with my ideals.

For now though: venting. This work thing. Lamenting. I'm searching. But spending. Still maybe a bit too much time on other things... but some of those are grueling too. Overload. The usual cue. No true solution, so do I brood. Hopefully, slowly, moving through. Work.

Art Should Comfort...

Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.

Musicalish #297

How about some Gorillaz again? With a dose in particular from their to me most memorable album of pre-millennium times. If they had any others.

I don't know about you but these guys always get me in a better mood. Somehow they make angst and melancholy all melodic and... somewhat soothing after all. And around this time I could use a round of this kind.

Ride through, the old and the new, the bold and the few, ride on...

Read on...

In The Blink Of An Eye

Been posting a lot of depressing videos lately. Time for something hopeful!

Though I guess this is a glass half full/half empty kind of video.

Either you see how much you miss in each blink of an eye, or more so how much awesomeness is going on even in that most minuscule amount of time, that repeats itself so many a time throughout every single day!

And compared to that, how much awesomeness doesn't go on all the time your eyes are open?!

It's pretty awesome. Every blink. Pretty awesome.

A Non-Mentionable Little Hillside Garden Dream

I dreamt that I was walking up the hillside.

We were visiting this old dude's house. Not that old, hair distinctively grayed - that kind of old - and wandering through his hillside garden.

It seemed to slope into infinity.

The air was hazy and you couldn't see the end of the slope for all the clouds, but the greenery was lush and the hedges, trees and various garden monuments and decorations were plentiful.

It was the kind of garden you'd imagine seeing by a larger castle, but this was just the one man.

He dabbled in natural remedies I think, and was cooking up some kind of concoction in a large cauldron on the lawn, with a boiler beside it, and some smaller pot or similar.

It was boiling ferociously: the bubbles a constant stream as if someone was in each cauldron/kettle/container breathing our air beneath the surface with never-emptying lungs.

It was something for us. I asked about it. Not sure what he answered.

Regarding who the 'us' was I'm not sure about that either. I was walking around and the rest of 'us' weren't anywhere to be seen, as far as I can remember...

Soon after we were walking through the house though - corridors paneled in dark, polished wood - and plenty of people were sitting on benches along the walls.

It felt like a museum, with glassed-in displays of various figures the man had made.

I looked into a little room curiously, full of wooden sculptures and other artistry that followed the walls, and then walked around a corner and... that's all I remember of that particular part of the dream.

Moments earlier I was climbing around in a sunny, dusty attic, and doing I can no longer recall what... but I wasn't a kid. I felt at home anyway. I think I was just exploring. The sunlight hazily falling in and warming.

Moments before that I was in the car, and I think good buddy Andreas was along for the ride, though not sure where we were going. Maybe to Övermorjärv. I'm not sure I saw the sights, just that we were on our way.

Maybe the dream was inspired by this one beautiful house I caught a glimpse of yesterday, looking for potential places to move.

It turned out to be way beyond my budget though. A nice place by a lake... with renovations worth ca 2,500,000 SEK the last few years. O_O

Alrighty then, I don't think I'll be leaving a bid on that...

But it was a - I think - pretty good dream. Hazy albeit the memory now may be.

I'm writing this more for purpose of practice and relaxation than recollection really. Thinking maybe I'd pick up a few more details as I write. Thinking if I just get into the writing I'll feel better about myself today, too. It worked, somewhat.

Now time to jump into some other more overdue dues...

Fake Woke

Facts though.
Stay woke.
Burnt up.
Lack smoke.
Cashflow?
Stay broke.
Rap don't.
Slay ghosts.
Real ones.
See this.
Feelings.
Meanings.
Leaders.
Need this.
Genius.
Feed us.
Sick of.
Scheming.
Be be.
Hemoth.
Truthful.
Dreaming.
Never.
Stopping.
Keep on.
Rocking.
Reach your.
Eden.

 

- Bob Axell, inspired by this baggy satchel of thought-provoking act fuel.

(and that's when you hit play again and loop the shit out of ^)

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