I missed my first deadline yesterday. The first deadline this term that I could have avoided. Technically I could have avoided the last deadline I missed as well - the one where I was out with a cold and our Internet went out at the same time - but this time it was a choice. I chose not to start in time. I chose to update drivers on my office/gaming rigs, play Oni and go through guides and software alternatives trying to figure out how to record it without lag, watch 'inspiring' Krizz Kaliko music videos (like this) trying to get myself together, watch old Conan O' Brian episodes to get in a better mood, and an eleven minute interview with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart (a promo for the Ride Along movie), take a shower and finally - I did get started. But it was way too late already. And now I'm writing this! Back from work and soon to embark on the writing venture I recently failed to complete.
Sure writers block sounds like a good excuse, that's something everyone's heard of (and uses) - but that's a bullshit excuse. Writer's block is fear of disapproval and rejection, doubt, self-pity and uncertainty - but most of all - it's laziness. It's not taking the time to brainstorm ideas, revise, plan ahead; instead simply rely on surges of inspiration to get where you want to go. There may be some other elements of my twisted psyche that factor in, but the bottom line is that it's a conscious choice and it's a stupid one to make - to stall. This is the last deadline I'm going to miss - by choice.
Because why? Because I feel bad. Feeling bad does not boost my confidence. It does not help me further myself in life. It does not make me feel good. And missing a deadline has consequences not just for me - for how I view myself - but in what others think about me. Not to mention my grade. Sure people might think I've been super-busy or sick and the lateness is entirely merited, but if they're anything like me they'll know that's not the case. It's a process of loathing and lingering. I have been busy - with the wrong things. I have been sick - of myself. I've never in my life cared about drivers before, so why now? Considering plenty were outdated and in dire need of upgrading it is good I impulsively got around to checking, but there's no deadline on a driver update. I'm going to stop focusing on drivers and focus on my drive! Right now. That's all.