Staff Notice

With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.

The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee’s toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee’s voice until the first of the month.

In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months’ toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.

Be advised that workmen’s compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.


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