News Reports

“Slain Doctor Worried About His Death” — In a local paper in Canada.

“Public Inquiry To Be Launched Into Avalanche” — A front page headline in the National Post.

“Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals” — In a local paper.

“Ministry Probes Dead Fish” — In a local paper in Canada.

“Nixon Beneath the Surface” — The headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.

“Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69” — A headline in a New Zealand paper.

“Flawless Take-Off Marred By Hitch” — A headline in a New Zealand paper.

“Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant” — In a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.

“Women Look Good” — In a Canadian newspaper, referring to the women’s curling team during the 1998 Winter Olympics.

“Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use” — A local newspaper of a suburb of Toronto, describing a committee set up by the board of education and the local municipality to investigate marijuana use among high school students.

“Church Plan Upsets Brothel” — Adelaide Advertiser, October 23, 2000

“Man Died of Natural Causes” — Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000

“School Praised After Vandalism” — West Briton, November 9, 2000

“Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty” — Independent, November 19, 2000

“Rise of ‘Mutants’ Leaves France a Divided Nation” — Times, November 21, 2000

“Pepsi To Increase Recycled Content In Products.” — The headline of an article in Plastics news about Pepsico increasing the amount of recycled plastic in their bottles.


News Articles:

“The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad.” — From a New Zealand paper.

“Although as a rider and breeder she has won countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional beating.” — From a New Zealand paper.

“‘It’s a sad and tragic fact that, if you’re a farmer, you are three times more likely to die than the average New Zealander,’ he said. The rate was even worse for farm workers.” — From a New Zealand paper.

“Latest census figures show that more than one New Zealander is a Maori or Polynesian.” — A New Zealand paper’s cautious yet accurate report.

“Visitors to the sandspit are advised that there is a prohibited area near the groin.” — From a New Zealand paper.

“However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes.” — From a New Zealand paper.

“The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed.” — From a Sydney, Australia, paper.

“‘There’s a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,’ says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex.” — From an IGN game review.


Radio News:

“There’s an overturned tractor-trailer heading north on Route 93.” — Report in a radio station’s morning traffic update.

“Seasonal weather for the time of year.” — Radio weather report.


Televised Reports:

“Susan, things are washing up on the shore that have never seen the light of day in a long time.” — From a local news report on the aftereffects of 1989’s Hurricane Hugo.

“The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down.” — A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.

“Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they’ll have at surviving.” — From a local news cast.

“Today Lesbian forces invaded…no, sorry, that should be Lesbianese.” — From a news report in UK, on a Lebanese conflict.


Online News:

“Today marks the 25th anniversary of the Vietnam War.” — From, April 30, 2000. Revisionist history strikes again; now the war only lasted one day.


News Ads:

“Panda lovers were saddened to hear that the world’s oldest panda passed away today. We’ll give you the reason for his death tonight at nine.” — From a nightly local news ad.

“Local construction is making it hazardous to drive in some areas of our city. We’ll tell you which to avoid on the way home on news tonight at 9:30.” — From a nightly local news ad on the radio.



“Due to a typing error, Gov Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson.” — Correction in a Massachusetts newspaper.



“March 18: Outdoor Adventure Series: Indoor Rock Climbing” — In a school’s newsletter.



“Cancer, June 22-July 23. Your home life could be chaotic. Some moments of solitude and medication can help you get through the day.”


Sports Announcing:

“As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other.” — Channel 4 news

“If England are going to win this match, they’re going to have to score a goal.” — Grandstand, BBC1

“Well, I guess we can see that Ralph isn’t a left-handed hooker.” — Sportscaster, after Ralph Sampson missed a left-handed hook shot.

“It’s an island because it’s surrounded by land. I mean water. Islands are surrounded by water, and that affects them.” — A TV commentator for America’s Cup racing.

“And the name of that country really tells you exactly where these guys are from.” — A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics opening ceremonies.

“And there’s Bill Gates, the…most…famous…man in the…ah…Microsoft.” — A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics.

“The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it’s still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It’s rolling all the way back to the infield. This is a terrible day for the Padres!” — A San Diego Padres announcer.



“Am I cold? Why do you think I’m sitting here under these two Africans?” — An elderly lady, incredulously, during a televised interview at her home.

“How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?” — Simon Fanshawe, during a Metro Radio Interview, when a listener said, “My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day.”

“So did you see which train crashed into which train first?” — A talk radio interviewer, questioning a 15-year old eyewitness to a head-on train collision. The answer he gave was, “No, they both ran into each other at the same time.”

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