Simpson Quotes


Cpt. McNeil : I like the cut of your jib.
Homer : What’s a jib?
Cpt. McNeil : Promote this man.


Bart : Geez Homer, you sure do suck tonight.
Homer : Yeah, suck like a fox!


Homer : Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!


Homer : Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.


Grandpa : Now where’s my card. Ok, I’m an elk, a communist, the president of the gay and lesbian comittee for some reason, oh here it is. The Stone cutters.
Homer : Yes thank you dad. Lets go!…. I’ll take this communist one too!


Homer : Hey, we didn’t have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.


Lisa : Look at the “wonders” of the computer age now.
Homer : Wonders Lisa? Or blunders?
Lisa : I think that was implied by what I said.
Homer : Implied… Or implode?


Homer : I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.


Homer : Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of… No TV and no beer make Homer something something.
Marge : Go crazy?
Homer : Don’t mind if I do!


Homer : Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.


Homer : I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Mrs. Krabappel : We need names.
Homer : Well, er, let’s just call them, uh, “Mr. X” and “Mrs. Y.” So anyway, Mr. X would say, “Marge, if this doesn’t get your motor running, my name isn’t Homer J. Simpson.”


Homer : Now this next song goes out to a very specail lady .. she’s over 2, 000 feet tall and weighs over a 1,000 tons.
Man : Oh my god, this monsterous woman will devour us all! (dives away into the ocean)
Homer : I was talking about the statue …


Homer : I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T…


Marge : Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer : Never, Marge. Never. I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors — oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called “City Fathers” who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?”


Kent Brockman : Scientists say they’re also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like ‘oh yeah?’ and ‘com’ere a minute.’
Homer : Oh yeah? They think they’re better than us, huh? Bart! Com’ere a minute.
Bart : You com’ere a minute.”
Homer : Oh yeah?


Homer : A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds … it makes ice.


Marge : Homer, you don’t have to pray outloud.
Homer : But he’s way the hell up there!


Homer : Well crying isn’t going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart : You’re right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer : Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.


Homer : No offense Apu, but when they’re handing out religions you must be out taking a whizz.
Apu : Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out…and come again.


Homer : Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!


Homer : You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.


Homer : Look everyone! Now that I’m a teacher I’ve sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge : Homer that’s supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You’ve ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer : Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets!


Kent Brockman : We win again. But the real winners here are Marge’s Hors D’Oeuvres.
Homer : How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van : I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman : I guess you could say I’m Iraqi.
Homer : Get off my property.


Homer : How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.


Homer : Oh Lisa, there’s no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa : Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.


Homer : When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power … like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.


Homer : Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman – and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.


Billy Corgan : “Billy Corgan, ‘Smashing Pumpkins’.”
Homer Simpson : “Homer Simpson, smiling politely.”


Homer : That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.


Homer : Operator! Give me the number for 911!


Lisa : I’m an ugmo.
Homer : Now, that’s not true. You’re cute as a bug’s ear.
Lisa : Father’s have to say that little stuff.
Homer : Dad, am I cute as a bug’s ear?
Grandpa : No. You’re homely as a mule’s butt.
Homer : There. See?


Marge : Homer, I don’t want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer : You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts.


Homer : Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how drunk you get.


Homer : It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.


Homer : My ears are burning.
Lisa : I wasn’t talking about you, Dad.
Homer : No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.


Homer : I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your
womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge : Are you crazy? I’m not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer : C’mon, Marge, we’re a team. It’s uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge : Forget it!


Homer : I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2 : Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.


Homer : Okay, I’m never going to win Father Of The Year. In fact, I’m probably the last guy in the world to have kids… wait, let me rephrase that. I love my kids. I’d do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge : And Margaret?
Homer : Who? Lady, you must have the wrong file.
Marge : She’s talking about Maggie.
Homer : Oh, Maggie. I’ve got nothing against Maggie.


Homer : I feel that if a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a bar, then its good enough to protect my family.


Homer : Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.


Homer : I want the answers now or eventually!


Homer : I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?


Homer : Bad bees. Get away from my sugar. Ow. OW. Oh, they’re defending themselves somehow.


Homer : You know, my kids think you’re the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they’ve finally stopped dreaming of a future I can’t possibly provide.


Marge : I’m worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa’s becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer : I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge : And Bart isn’t doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There’s something about flying a kite at night that’s so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bart : [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
Marge : That’s it, we have to get them back to school.
Homer : I’m with you, Marge. Lisa. Get in here.
[Lisa walks in]
Homer : In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics.


Marge : What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart : Milhouse has one.
Marge : If Milhouse jumped off a cliff…
Bart : Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I’m there.
Homer : Get back here, boy. You’re a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
Bart : Well, I’m keeping this earring and you can’t stop me.
Homer : Oh … I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa : Can I?
Homer : No.


Homer : I’ve gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos.


Bart : Hey guys, just so you don’t hear any wild rumors, I’m being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer : Pfft. That’s no reason to block the TV.


Homer : I’ll never wiggle my bare butt it public again
Lisa : I’d like to beleive that this time, I really would.


Marge : Homer, a man who called himself “you-know-who” just invited you to a secret “wink-wink” at the “you-know-what”. You are certainly are popular now that you’ve become a Stonecutter.
Homer : Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It’s wonderful, Marge. I’ve never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.


Homer : Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.


Homer : Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it’s okay in the Bible.
Lisa : Really? Where?
Homer : Eh, somewhere in the back.


Marge : I think you should do it, Homer, you might learn something new!
Homer : Oh, Marge, whenever I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out. Remember that time I went to those duff brewery classes and I forgot how to drive?


Homer : Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.


Homer : When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie — Police Academy.


Homer : Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV. That’s how I was raised and I turned out TV.


Homer : When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.


Homer : It’s not just a store – it’s a Megastore! ‘Mega’ means ‘good,’ ‘store’ means ‘thing.


Apu : I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer : You’re selling what, now?
Apu : I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer : You can’t sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
Apu : He’s got me there.


Homer : Look, all I’m saying is, if these big stars didn’t want people going through their garbage and saying they’re gay, then they shouldn’t have tried to express themselves creatively.


Homer : If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?


Homer : Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?


Homer : Sorry, Mr. Burns. I don’t go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!


Homer : The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.


Homer : Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.


Homer : When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently trough the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the Bible tells us, “Let your children run wild and free.”


Lisa : At this rate, I’m gonna end up at Vassar.
Homer : I’ve had just about enough of this Vassar bashing!


Homer : When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!


Homer : Jesus, Allah, Buddah. I love you all!


Homer : I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.


Homer : “You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity”


Lisa : I still believe in protecting animal’s rights, but that still doesn’t excuse what I did. I’m sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That’s okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.


Homer : Bart go to your room
Lisa : Why dont you just eat him?
Homer : I dont need any serving suggestions from you, you know nothing know it all


Homer : See you in hell, dinner plate!


Homer : I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!


Homer : Oh sure. Even communism works. In theory.


Homer : You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving.


Homer : Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.


Manager : Do you like children?
Homer : What do you mean, all the time? Even when they’re nuts?


Lisa : Oh, if I fail I won’t even be able to get into Vassar.
Homer : I’ve had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady.


Homer : God bless those pagans.


Homer : We can outsmart those dolphins. Don’t forget — we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.


Homer : Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.


Homer : They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they’re just…
John : Queer?
Homer : Yeah, and that’s another thing! I resent you people using that word. That’s our word for making fun of you! We need it!


Homer : Whats this again?
Apu : A napkin, sir.


Burns : I suggest you leave immediately
Homer : Or what? You’ll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?


Homer : There’s your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum : I’m a boy.
Homer : That’s the spirit. Never give up.


Homer : [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there’s five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn’t talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.


Marge : Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer : Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.


Homer : Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.


Homer : Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge : HOMER!
Homer : I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening.


Bart : Dad, what’s a Muppet?
Homer : Well, it’s not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don’t know.


Homer : From now on, there are three ways to do things : the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart : Isn’t that just the wrong way?
Homer : Yeah, but faster!


Marge : Homer! There’s someone here who can help you…
Homer : Is it Batman?
Marge : No, he’s a scientist.
Homer : Batman’s a scientist?!
Marge : It’s not Batman!


Homer : How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?


Homer : Marge? Since I’m not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge : Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa : Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won’t be used on any meat product.
Bart : You dunkin’ your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer : Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge : Tell him yourself, you’re ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer : Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge : Homer, you’re not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer : Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart : Uhhh, dad, Lisa’s the one you’re not talking to.
Homer : Bart, go to your room.


Homer : Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa : No.
Homer : Ham?
Lisa : No.
Homer : Pork chops?
Lisa : Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer : Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.


Homer : Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s Brain : Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer : Explain how!
Homer’s Brain : Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer : Woo-hoo!


Homer : Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.


Scully : Homer, we’re going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer : Yes. (lie dectector blows up)


Marge : Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer : Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

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