Simpson Quotes 2


Bart : I can’t stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it’s from a rubber spider down your dress – Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa’s dress.


Bart : Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze?


Lisa : Bart, Pablo Neruda says “the eyes are the window to the soul.”
Bart : I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
Grandpa : My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.


Grandpa : Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot.


Marge : Grandpa, this flag only has 49 stars on it
Grandpa : I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!


Marge; Grandpa, are you sitting on the apple pie?
Grandpa : I sure hope so…


Grandpa Simpson : The last time the meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more ‘n a few.


Grandpa : Well, whenever I’m confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.


Abe : That doll is EVIL, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviillll!!!
Marge : Grandpa, you said that about all the presents.
Abe : I just want attention.


Grandpa : Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents ’til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!


Mr. burns : so do u have a way to get rid of the protesters?
Grandpa : One way to get rid of them is to tell ’em stories that dont go anywhere. Like the time we went over to shelbyville during the war, I wore an onion on my belt….which was the style at the time…you couldnt get those white ones, you could only get those big yellow ones…………… where was I……..oh yeah, the important thing was I was wearing an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time, you couldnt get those… (trails off)
Burns : Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That’s right, keep eating…Little do you know you’re drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn’t there Smithers?
Smithers : Err…no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.


Mr.Burns : Quick Smithers. Bring the mind eraser device!
Smithers :You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr.Burns : Precisely.


Mr. Burns : I don’t like being outdoors Smithers, for one thing, there’s too many fat children.


Mr. Burns : I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.


Mr.Burns : (To Homer)One more thing…You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon!
Smithers : Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr.Burns : And the road maps, and the driving gloves?!
Smithers : Yes, sir.
Mr.Burns :Then its all falling into place!


Mr. Burns : I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I’ll bide my time until … Oh, what the hell. I’ll just crush him like an ant.


Mr. Burns : Do my worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.


Mr. Burns : Woah, slow down there maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?
Mr. Burns : Smithers I’m thinking about donating some money to the orphanage..when pigs fly!
(Homer’s bbq pig flies past the window)


Burns : Smithers, I’ve been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win a million-dollar bet?
Smithers : Yes, sir.
Burns : Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if I cheat to win a million-dollar bet?
Smithers : No, sir. Who would you like killed?


Mr. Burns : What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?


Mr. Burns : Smithers there’s a rocket in my pocket.


Burns : I should’ve known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.
Smithers : With pleasure, sir!


Mr. Burns : What are you doing man, that’s Carl!


Mr. Burns : I’m looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. Hmmm, why here’s the fellow … Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.


Mr. Burns : A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow… and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
Mr. Burns : No one will want to kiss me after this, eh, Smithers?
Smithers : Well, it’s their loss, sir.


Burns : I feel like such a free spirit, and I’m really enjoying this so-called…iced cream.
Smithers : Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I’d just like to say that…[ahem]…I…love you.
Burns : Hmm?
Smithers : [quickly] In those colors! [aside] Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time!


Burns : The watchdog of public safety, is there any lower form of life?
Smithers : Don’t worry sir, I rounded up our less gifted employees and led them into the basement.


Ralph : Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!


Ralph : That’s my swingset, and that’s my sandbox. I’m not allowed to go in the deep end. And this is where I met the leprechaun.
Bart : Right, the leprechaun.
Ralph : He told me to burn things.


Ralph : Me fail English? That’s unpossible.


Bart Simpson (spelling “Impervious” in a spelling B) : I…M…P
Nelson : Bart is pee!
Ralph Wiggum : I made Bart in my pants!


Ralph : [whispering] Lisa, what’s the answer to number seven?
Lisa : [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph : [pauses] My cat’s name is Mittens


Ralph (To a wolf) : Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies…


Ralph : My cat’s breath smells like cat food.


Ralph : Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.


Ralph : When i grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.


Ralph : I bent my wookie.


Ralph : When I grow up I’m going to Bovine University.


Ralph : Daddy, I’m scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.
Chief Wiggum : Just relax and it’ll come, son.


Miss Hoover : Now, take out your red crayons.
Ralph : Miss Hoover?
Miss Hoover : Yes Ralph?
Ralph : I don’t have a red crayon.
Miss Hoover : Why not?
Ralph : I ate it.


Ralph : Oh boy! Sleep! That’s when I’m a Viking!


Ralph : Prinskipper Skippel… Primdable Skimpsker… I found something!
Ralph : I ate the blue ones … they taste like burning.


Ralph : The doctor said I wouldn’t have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.


Ralph :”Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that’s why it was the best summer ever.”


Bart : Go orange!
Nelson : Go grapefruit!
Ralph : Go Banana!


(Bart hits Ralph in the head)
Ralph- (Money falls out of his nose) There’s my milk money, (Milk falls out of his nose) and there’s my milk.


Ralph : And, when the doctor said I didn’t have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.


Lisa : Milhouse, she got you too!
Milhouse : Yeah but its ok im standing on Ralph…
Ralph : We’re a totum pole HIHOWAREYA HIHOWAREYA


Ralph : Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office.


Ralph :”Slow down Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.”


Ralph : Can you open my milk, Mommy?
Ms. Hoover : I’m not mommy, Ralph. I’m Ms. Hoover


Ralph : Lisa’s dancing makes my feet sad.


Ralph : Even my boogers are spicy!


Ralph : I glued my head to my shoulder, now i have two owies


Ralph : Uh… so… do you like… stuff?


Ralph Wiggum : Daddy, these rubber panties are hot!
Chief Wiggum : You’ve gotta wear them ’til you learn, son!


Ralph :”This snowflake tastes like fish sticks.”


Ralph Wiggum : Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.


Ralph : I dropped my popstickle in your toy chest


Homer’s Brain : Use reverse psychology.
Homer : Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer’s Brain : Okay, don’t use reverse psychology.
Homer : Okay, I will!


Trent : [walking up] The man knows what he likes.
Homer : Just taking care of business.
Trent : If you don’t, who will, huh? Trent Steele.
Homer : Homer Si … uh, Max Power.
Trent : Oh, hey! Great name!
Homer : Yeah, isn’t it? I got it off a hair dryer.
Trent : [laughs] I like a man who can poke fun at himself. [looks at his watch] Ooh, hey, my one o’clock cancelled. Eh, you had any lunch?
Homer : Yeah, but I usually have three or four.
Trent : So where to eat? You like Thai?
Homer : Tie good. You like shirt?


Homer : It’s true, I’m a Rageaholic…..I just can’t live without Rageahol!


Homer : Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.


Homer : Homer no function beer well without.


Homer : If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.


Homer : I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called … “The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down.”


Bart : b-6
Homer : you sunk my scrabbleship!
Lisa : this game makes no sense.
Homer : tell that to the good men who just lost their lives… SEMPER-FI!


Lisa : Dad, don’t you think you’re overreacting?
Homer : Don’t you think you’re *under*reacting?
Lisa : This conversation is over.
Homer : This conversation is *under*.
Lisa : Goodbye.
Homer : *bad*bye


Homer : [Looking at a globe map…country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You are gay.’


Homer : What’s a wedding? Webster’s dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one’s garden.


Homer : The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!


Homer : Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.


Homer : You couldn’t fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!


[Santa’s Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone]
Homer : I guess you might say he’s barking up the wrong Bush.
Homer’s Brain : There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you’ll ever say and nobody heard it.
Homer : D’oh.


Homer : Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa : No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer : This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.


Grandpa : Are we there yet?
Homer : No
Grandpa : Are we there yet?
Homer : No
Grandpa : Are we there yet?
Homer : No
Grandpa : ……..Where are we going?


Bart : I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer : Son, I’m proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.


Homer : Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.


Homer : Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.


Homer : I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?


Homer : Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. Um Can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about uuhhh, things. Uhh… the things.


Homer : Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.


Bart : I smell a museum.
Homer : Yeah, good things don’t end with ‘eum,’ they end with ‘mania’ or ‘teria.’


Mother Simpson : [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man…
Homer : Seven.
Lisa : No, dad, it’s a rhetorical question.
Homer : OK, eight.
Lisa : Dad, do you even know what “rhetorical” means?
Homer : Do *I* know what “rhetorical” means?


Homer : The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten.


Homer : Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure… not even close


Homer : I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.


Homer : Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.


Homer : Bart, I’m not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy. You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy’s life, he showers you with riches. Don’t you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
Bart : Is it a Bible story?
Homer : Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo. Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big… thing… of riches.
Bart : How did a lion get riches?
Homer : It was the olden days.
Bart : Oh.


Duff book of records : Springfield is now the fattest city in the U.S.
Homer : Woo Hoo. In your face Milwaukee.


Homer : Marge, I’m going to Moe’s. Send the kids to the neighbors, I’m coming back loaded!


Homer : Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bart : Since when?
Homer : Since your mother yelled at me.


Homer : He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!?


Homer : Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!


Homer : Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart : No thanks dad.
Homer : When a son doesn’t want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa Simpson : I’ll play catch with you!
Homer : Go home.


Frink : …and these (handing books to Homer) should give you the grounding you’ll need in thermodynamics, hypermathematics and of course microcalifragalistics.
Homer : Er, look, I just want to know how to invent things.
Frink : All you have to do is think of things which people need but which don’t exist yet.
Homer : You mean like an electric blanket-mobile?
Frink : Www oh well, possibly. Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it, like…
Homer : Hamburger earmuffs.
Frink : Mmm well, I suppose that would qualify.
Homer : Thanks sucker. (Homer throws the books and runs off)
Frink : Weh, uh, alright just stay calm Frinky. These babies will be in the stores while he’s still grappling with the pickle matrix bhay-gn-flay-vn.


Homer : Oh, so they have internet on computers now!


Homer : Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex. It’s also the food preparation.


Homer : All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say ‘Yo Goober! Where’s the meat!?’. I’m trying to impress people here Lisa. You don’t win friends with salad.


Homer : Lisa, you’re a Buddhist, so you believe in reincarnation. Eventually, Snowball will be reborn as a higher lifeform… like a snowman.

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