Maybe you saw the Grindhouse movie Planet Terror a few years ago? Maybe you paid attention to the promising fake trailer at the start of the movie? It wasn't planned to be, but it did become, which is both amazing and not strange since the fake trailer was pretty much the best part of the Planet Terror movie... and the movie was good too.

Danny Trejo acts out his first leading roll in this film after having been in the business for a whole lot of years. Sure took enough time, he's 66 years old already! Though Danny isn't any great actor, he fits perfectly into his roll and I'd love to see him leading more movies in the future, there aren't many figures as naturally rough and menacing as he is.

In the movie he plays the role of a federale (cop) from Mexico who gets set up during a bust by his officer, watches his family get killed in front of him, survives, and proceeds to hunt down the killer and kill him. The killer is Steven Seagul, and he doesn't need to be killed. After having been pierced in the stomach by a large machete at the end of the movie he kills himself cause that's just how tough he is. Unepexted to say the least. Kinda takes out the satisfaction of the bad guy dying as well. Whoops, did I spoil something for ya? Hehe. ;)

It's not that simple a story though. In between the family getting killed and killer getting killed there's a zigzagging storyline about immigrants, a senator, his brother the priest, Lindsay Lohan naked, amongst other things. A bunch of great actors were thrown into the movie, such as Robert Deniro, Steven Seagul, Michell Rodrigues, Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan... and probably a few more that did look pretty famous but aren't well known to me. It's an interesting mixture!

The movie isn't always as serious as I'd like it to be, nor is it sad. It's brutal, plain & sometimes really funny. The footage from the trailer is used in the movie, but it disappoints, they are highlights in scenes which otherwise lack the quality in acting and filming that all modern movies hold... and that the fake trailer itself held.

Still, it's a good movie, it'll entertain you all the way through. Naked ladies, knifes & a dead bodies raining from the sky. What more could I ask for?

Btw, I wonder if there will be a sequel, or if the presented two titles 'Machete Kills' and 'Machete Kills Again' are as fake as this one is supposed to be? They're probably there just to make me (and all the other people watching it) wonder. Regardless, I hope there will be more! Grindhouse movies like this are what I look forward to each year. :)

 rated 4/5: fo shizzle

June, 2021

It's grindhouse at it's greatest! Grimy and thick. I'd love to see more like this. Machete Kills came about, but maybe they took it too far with that one? No Machete Kills Again? I need more! There's not enough Machete!

It may not be as all-out perfect as Planet Terror was - the unexpectedly awesome cinematic violent phenomenon that first included the (at the time most probably fake) trailer for this movie, mind you, but I still love it.

I love how Danny Trejo finally gets to star as a character only he could play - along the likes of such greats as Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Steven Seagal (well, great or no, well), Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey, Don Johnson, Lindsay Lohan and the Avellan sisters! Yes they really are twins.

I like that Michelle Rodriguez didn't compromise on nudity. I like that Jessica Alba did. I really like the twins and the first lady. I like Lindsay Lohan maybe even more than that, and how perfectly her role here plays on the scandalous life she lived at the time... yet still does right by her, somehow. And Cheech is a legend. No further comment neccesary.

There's nothing bad about this save for maybe some special effects that seem to defy grindhouse traditions, but when they do it right they do it right. Right? Right on.

 rated 4.5/5: almost awesome