I need to read up on my resolutions some time. To motivate me. To get me back on track when I derail.
The New Year started with a hopeless slate: too many old projects remained. Too many distractions. A hopeless state.
A week later I was feeling better about my burdens. I took steps to cut down on them, like halving my YouTube subscriptions, and I hadn't visited these sites in weeks. The future was bright and full of promise.
A week later I was back to old routines, looking for deals, looking at videos, and right now it feels like I'm just as lost as I was during that initial transition. Well... not lost, but going the wrong way. I know I am. When goals loom that seem unattainable it's easy to take a different route. Whichever one is easier. Whichever one provides instant gratification.
So I have a Matsmart order on route, again. I've been going heavy with Lost in Vegas impressions and NoJumper interviews - not only listening while I work on other things but sometimes pausing to really pay attention and see their faces and expressions. I've also been discovering King Los unbelievable freestyle skills, and trekking through a bunch of new up-and-coming artists, watching videos, listening to music; broadening my perspectives.
I guess it's good to stay up-to-date with the world and its wonders, but at the same time I could spend that time becoming one of those up-and-coming artists instead. Where's my ambition?
I'm getting inspired though. Feeling like I might try some new recordings. On the train earlier this week I was looking out the window and rhyming aimlessly inside my head. It went well! Without pressure to write down and record the words flowed freely - just create and stimulate.
Somehow it always goes better before the words escape my mouth, though. Then it's like I start focusing on aspects of voice and delivery rather than just coming up with the lines, and it all slows down and dies.
Last week I relapsed into Trackmania 2 and stayed up late trying to beat Challenge Masters on random tracks. I'm but a fraction through the solo campaign, but I do have a pretty good ranking already. If I had the time, dedication, and no other distractions I might be able to become #1.
Such thoughts cruise through my mind as I play, although I know that is not something I want to spend my spare seconds on right now. That would be the ultimate waste of resources and energy. It would also drastically increase my levels of bedtime angst when, as the night closes in, I start feeling like I've wasted another day, that time is short, that I still have much I want to do and that there's no chance I can do all of those things. And there isn't. Priorities: eventually you'll have to face them.
I'm sitting on the train as I write this, tired, yet for some reason also up earlier than I'd planned, with the disillusioning realization that time is limited still in my mind. You can't do everything you want to. You can only choose to focus on a certain few things. If you're lucky you can focus on a few things you really want to do. All things considered I am... pretty lucky.
It's not a new realization, but it reminds me I need to prioritize. And appreciate. It reminds me of my resolutions. What should I focus on? Maybe I wrote something about it then - when this new phase of time started. Maybe I should look back at what I wrote and maybe it'll inspire me. Maybe I'll regain my resolve and strive to rise and reach higher greens. Maybe I'll evolve. Maybe through not only trial but through timely schemes: I'll grow.
All the great things I'll make of my life: you ain't know.