I've been thinking, way too much. Did I ever pass the last level in life? I still can't decide what to do, where to go, when to go there, even while I'm doing everything as I plan it. Work as a web designer, songwriter, animator, graphics artist, translator, programmer, blogger, author, poet, it feels like I need an area of focus. Yet I would if I could happily start a new quick career and climb up through the greatness. I'm studying now, full-time, but I'm not fully motivated. I think about getting a job, but I'm not fully motivated. I motivate myself fully within all the smaller tasks at hand, like getting up at 6:30 or jogging every other day, and as it is, those motivations seem to be all I can carry. Why? Am I physically deprived? Haven't I slept good enough the past three weeks? Have I been playing too much Pokemon Gold lately? Have I been wandering from task to task without no set goal, and this is making me wary of decision-making? I tried to analyze my life last night, but night isn't a good time to analyze. I ended up drifting into daydreams and falling asleep and waking very content but still not with a set focus on life, or anything for that matter.
I tell myself that if I get my websites sorted out, then I can get everything else sorted out. And then I can get my studies sorted out, and then I can start on new projects and sort them out. But really, the more I try to sort things out the more things I start and have to sort out later. It doesn't seem to be working well. I am efficient, but I prioritize, and I don't dive into the things I need to think of and get them accomplished ASAP, instead I tell myself that I should do this or that and then get started on the true task. It's an efficient form of procrastination, a subject people keep talking about. It's still a subject you can't take seriously, get a grip, and do what you have to do. If however you have to do something that you don't feel like doing, analyze that, is it because you should truly be doing something else with your life? Is it worth the change of focus? Can you manage that move smoothly without losing everything you've accomplished so far? I'm scared as hell of letting go of safety lines in life. Like web design, I know web design, I should keep on. After a while of thinking however I realize, I do like web design, it's something I'd like to worth with 24/7. How about songwriting? I have a songwriting service, can I write songs the rest of my life? I think I can. I think I can write poetry forever. I think I can write stories. I think I can do pretty much anything, and be content with it.
I just need a balance, I can't do everything.
I'd like to be in movies, I'd like to be on stage, I'd like to buy myself a Cafe and manage it for fifty years, I'd like to start boxing, I'd like to become an Aikido black belt, I'd like to learn to fly, I'd like to go skydiving, I'd like to be a part of one of many demonstrations for world peace and environmental benefits, I'd like to write a book, I'd like to walk around Sweden, I'd like to play Monopoly with my buddy Andreas today, I'd like to review every single Flash Animation on NG, I'd like to create a complete archive of some large social website on the Internet. I'd like to do a lot of things, but I can't do that much. I realize this, yet I keep focusing on irrelevant tasks at hand, doing things of minor importance that I would like to do when there are bigger things that I should be working on. Studies, for example.
They say studies are beneficial to your future career. I couldn't care less about how these studies will benefit my future career (I'll make a good career anyway), but it would be a waste to study something and not pass it, not gain those little points that gather up and in the end amount to show which level of knowledge you have attained. I want those points, and I want the money you get in tribute (yes, if you study full time here in Sweden, they actually pay you), and I want to write down in my Resume that I have studied all those things I am and plan on studying so that in a couple of years when I'm done studying I can let people know that I haven't wasted my last few years. Yet instead of focusing directly on studies when I wake up in the morning I log in to NG, vote on the latest under-judgment submissions in the portal and post two blogs. Sure, it's something that makes me immediately content, but it's not beneficial to me in any long term perspective.
I don't waste my time, regardless of how I use it. I won't dive into religion and deeper perspectives on life or I could keep on explaining my methods of reasoning all week, but in short, I spend my time on addition, not on admission. If I use my time to create content, instead of sorting content (of course I'll need to do a bit of that as well, but unlike earlier, it shouldn't be my point of focus) it should amount to something. If not in quality than in amount, and regardless of content addition is progress. You age, not progress, it's the act while you age that turns it into progress. When you've attained wisdom, when you learn something new, when you have a new fresh merit in your checklist of things you did, when you look on life differently than you did earlier, it's insight, it's onset, it's progress. When I write things out like this everything seems clear as morning air. It isn't, or maybe it is after I've written this? I don't know what the main point of this blogpost is, but to sum it up, here's a picture. Not mine, but a very insightful picture regardless. I like to think I'm that person below, that I'm walking fast - appreciating life - gaining a suntan at the same time - exercising - and that this explains everything.
