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What What

When there is no motivation insight, but you still need to do something, the best option is writing, just writing. Writing down your thoughts, frantically scribbling them down on paper (or screen) until you reach the conclusion. What you want to do, where you want to go, all the reasons, all the questions you have answered so long ago. And hopefully you won't look back at your barely readable scribbles a few years later and think "Was I really this naive/stupid/thoughtless/insert other deviable choice here back then?" or in a worst case scenario you'll be so stupid/naive/brainwashed/senile/insert other negligible choice by then that the piece of text you wrote so long ago won't even make sense anymore. So why continue these futile struggles? Why resist? Why not open up your favorite browser-based RPG and play your guts out for the next thirty hours whether you would like to or not. It seems like the only rational thing to do in such a hopeless situation. Nono, at least I do understand by now about the phases we all face, and I know that if I let my routine and efficiency backfire on me in times of hardship and doubt, they'll last just about forever.

When I say hardship and doubt you probably think about religion, but I'm not religious, I don't speak much about religion, I just write about it frequently, now and then, and hope them times won't be coming again! I'm not an agnostic, or at least I like to think that I'm not. I like to think that I have found my belief already, which is, none at all. I don't believe in superior powers, at least not powers with minds of their own, yet I don't believe in humanity either, because, well, just look at the mad world out there raging and spreading violence like a malevolent virus, all these vehicles with sirens, I'd like to embrace the silence, just some day, calm down. Truth is it doesn't get me stressed now, when the blue lights flash by all I feel is excitement, because I've never been in a real war, not a real drama. I don't long to be in one either, even if my daydreams do take me there occasionally, amidst the bullets, part of the darkest times, dodging ricochets in deep alleyways avenging the law, or escaping it, crashing out from it's fragile grasp. As for religion, I don't think highly of it, I see it as a tool weaker people use to gain confidence, meaning and trust, but it isn't that simple to me. I simply can't believe in it, people say it's pure logic, it doesn't look that way to me. I'd love to fall into it's warm alcove and be there forever, safe from the world outside, but that's not me. I like to think I'm too smart for religion, but it has nothing to do with that, even the most idiotic akin can have their senses hail. I believe in aliens, in the ability to levitate, in Jackie Chan, all of that goes without saying for me. It's as obvious as breathing. Explaining why I believe it is a bit harder, asking me such a question would be like asking a child why he breaths. Though of course their simple uncluttered minds would probably let them find an answer much faster, no thick media-provoked barricades to guide them only the way people around them would like them to.

It twists you, all these limitations we set up ourselves. I feel like dancing on the train, but I just can't, it's not lack of self confidence, or is it? I feel like swinging myself over the fence instead of opening the gate. I feel like lying down in the soft mud, but I just don't. So many factors play in now, so many ones that we shouldn't need to pay attention to. So it's not strange that people jump from buildings or train platforms, even though it's no solution. I'd never go that far, I appreciate the misery I get, because it lets me appreciate all the misery I don't have. Still I don't feel the need to think this way to make my life brighter, it's built-in- I'm an optimist, not just saying so, hope the post doesn't give you a a too depressive picture of me, but I like to ponder, haha. Keep at it!


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