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Blooms Of The Third Moon

It's snowing outside...

Who would've thought we'd have snow in the middle of March? Down here in Stockholm where we usually don't even have it for Christmas.

It's been a strange year this year, not least with the covid strain sweeping through our human realm and populating with pandemic swoop result, but also with the weather.

Also with a lot of things, but let's just focus on the weather since that's what we Swedes typically tend to do when we get together and don't have anything else to talk about. Or don't dare take the step to controversies over common courtesies. I don't know if it's really like that anymore. Maybe be a myth but...

Some time last year - not sure when - we had a full month of cloud. Not a ray of light. Not total darkness but total gray and gloomy all day, and short days.

A few weeks in I was getting severely depressed; reminded of how old posts I'd posted where I seemed overly so were really not blown out of proportion at all. That's really how you feel when you feel like that. and then when everything gets better you forget how low those lowest points can be... until you return there, to that bottomless quicksand pit it seems life throws you to every now and then, most recently for work-related uncertainty woes and/or simply lack of sunshine.

But the sun rays came back, and Christmas passed, and the day after we had snow. Just for a couple of days. Just enough to remind us that it really was Christmas.

The weather relapsed to melting again, then came New Year, and in came the snow again! To remind us it really was a New Year after all.

And then it passed, and all returned to normal, the weather started getting warmer, but the nights were cold and the days cloudy and still somewhat bleak... and then came the snow again!!! This time in full force.

It snowed so you could actually shovel, and feel there was snow, and it stayed for a whooping three weeks and then some! Didn't melt once. You could see the edges slowly creep away against the gravel on the sunniest days, and I spent one particular weekend walking so much I almost got burnt, in February! Who would've thought.

Gradually the snow piles grew lower, and then in three days and nights it melted away, leaving only gravel-strewn piles here and there as a winter memento, and the days went, and work picked up again, it seemed to get warmer, but the nights grew colder, and the day before yesterday the snow started falling again...

Just a little then, but today it's all out storm, and the world that was recently Springing up in green and turquoise (I don't know that it really was, it just seemed like a suitable color combo call out here) is suddenly covered in white once again.

Was actually feeling a little under the weather when I woke up today, maybe a bit too many late nights; early mornings; too much weight vests on walks in an attempt to get in shape without making extra time-consuming effort... but I've been eating supplements, feeling better, and as the layers pile outside I currently feel the best I've felt in a while today.

Almost had to let that one rhyme, like I do sometimes, though it makes better sense like this. Like chips. They make sense but don't make amends or bliss.

In normal wording now I realize I've come to actually really like snow.

On the darkest days it's what gives me hope. Whenever it comes around I brighten up. The world brightens up. Everything looks softer, and cozier, and clearer. It hides the dirt. It hides the trash people throw away. A shopping cart someone had dragged to a nearby underpass was entirely submerged for those full three winter weeks earlier on. We thought someone had finally fetched it.

I used to love summers like no other season, but lately I've been loathing the heatwaves that come with it, and realizing that maybe the thing I like most about them is really the sun, and in darker seasons the snow is almost like it's paler cousin. Like a third moon.

It might not give out as much D-vitamin and UV light, but it reflects the light there is. It's a helpful helper. A gifted uplifter. And ever since I started taking these daily cold showers I seem to have all the more an affinity for the cold that comes with it.

I love the sun. I love the snow. The way the weather's turning maybe we'll get a snowy summer this year too. And supposedly the gulf stream's stopping. Maybe we'll get a summer ice age too. Who knows?

Was going to weave in some mementos from last night's dream here too but I got side-tracked; don't remember that much about it anymore.

There were people after us though. The family has gathered in a room somewhere. A cozy place. We covered the windows. I crept in under a blanket. I was small again....

But summer's coming soon and it'll be fall again.

Pixel Day Raffle Stickers, Games, Promos...

Guess what just arrived in the mail over here!?

Pixel Day Raffle Stickers

Stickers and pins the dopest things. Thank you @Mabelma! :) And Super Happy Belated Pixel Day Forever After The Raffle!!! Shall in some way add to the merriment of this fine holiday with these here stickables next time it comes around... maybe... actually I'd rather frame them and/or stash them away safely in a container that'll keep them pristine forever, as the collector I am, but feels like I oughta showcase 'em somehow somewhere, so if there is any suitable day for such stickering maybe it'd be then...

Though I did just do so above too. If naught else there you go!

In other news I joined a couple game jams last week, if you missed my stuff here's The Flash Flood 2021 and INVISIPONG for the Lies & Tricks and Flash Forward jams in opposing order of linkage. They're both in Flash but should be running flawlessly via Ruffle through those links, for now and hopefully forever!

Also go check out @KillerRATband's new album! Metal instrumental at its most grueling and moody. AKA finest. It's a soundtrack made for the game with the same name, so maybe you'll want to play that too. More info on his page, and you can buy it here.

Somewhat unrelated but very relevant D.Va Clock's also looking for material for her Late Night with D.Va Clock series, which is great, do send her something!

And last but not least if you need a voice for anything, like this recent thing, feel free to hit me up! The smaller the role the better really. ;)

Good day y'all and thanks again for those stickers!

One Day Voice Acting Woes

Voice acting's no easy business!

I finally got around to trying my lines for a collab I'm participating in. The animator asked for them this week, and it's currently the last day of this week, and I'm not really feeling at the top of my game right now. Some of the lines require laughing like a black man, and never mind the black part, but laughing, naturally?! It may be one of the hardest things you can try. Especially when you're acting.

In real life I've always been somewhat proud of how naturally laughter came to me. When I was younger. When I actually laughed out loud.

I still do just not as frequently; not with the same ease as I did back then. Now it sometimes feels like I have to force authentic laughter just to keep myself happy, and in the realm of voice acting... no dice. Can't do that. Gotta make it sound not forced no matter what.

To make things worse I am running out of voice! I should've started on this when I had plenty of time to spare, for consecutive warm-up's and recording sessions, not one final day after a week without particularly much voicing, where it's all the more difficult to warm up to the warmer tones I need right now. Reminder to keep your voice consistent. And constant. At all times. Always ready.

I voiced a quick role earlier this week, just two lines then, but with this particular project I'm in company of three professional voice actors, of which one usually always does her lines for money, and it'd be a lie to say I'm not slightly intimidated by working with such greats. Like I have a place in their bastions of vocal mastery. Like I can actually do accents. Like I didn't start rapping more because I can't sing than because that's my true passion... or is it?

Maybe it is? Maybe it just really is the best modern day amplification of poetry there is, where focus is on lyrics more so than music and voice; the elements that I feel really matter?

But I better get back to my black voice now. Almost wish I wouldn't have applied for this; that I'd have let the animator find a black dude instead. Or any dude who's good at sounding like a black dude.

But I am good at black dudes! I have the perfect black dude voice.

You'll hear when this collab comes out y'all.

I over-dramatize a bit but that's why I blog you know. To clear my mind and so. And it's good to get out of your comfort zone. Just gotta relax, sound natural, laugh a little, and move onto whatever other dues await today...

They're piling up lately. And making me go crazy. Slightly. But it may be.

Okay.

You Gotta Know The Power...

You gotta know the power of your quiet.

Fat Tuesday 2021

Fat Tuesday 2021

It's that day again! Or was, this Tuesday, just been a bit too swamped to post any pics.

Of course we're still going according to tradition though, this year with a batch of home-baked oat-based buns that'll probably be lasting at least a couple weeks. No commercial ones this year.

They didn't turn out exactly as planned - a bit more flour than necessary and as such a bit more compact than they may have been meant to be but - still good. Soon as you add in that cream and almond honey.

Happy Belated Fat Tuesday y'all.

The Work Thing

Midlife crisis? Work-related crisis? Life-related crisis? Whatever the crisis my vice is: thinking too much about this.

I can't keep work off my mind even during the weekends lately, and I wonder if that has to do with working from home so much, and not differentiating between locations for free time and work time. It's not ideal, but driving to the office everyday's not ideal either. Not for finances, nor for time, nor for the potential health detriments that might come with all too much mobility in these crazy times...

But the problem isn't really that work's always on my mind. The problem's the work. I'm not working with something I fundamentally enjoy, and somehow I seem to have moved further and further from the realm of optimal creative design, and more monotone but acceptable regular IT work and administration, to the realm of server administration, command-line, and digging through code and trying to figure out how it works as to solve company problems I'm not really qualified to deal with...

It's taking a toll. And dues pile. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, and that I'm being underappreciated for what I do manage to do considering the overwhelming complexity of all the more of an effort I make to actually keep up with it.

I have years worth of education within the field of design and basic programming languages linked to web-related ditto. I'm self-taught initially. I honed my skills with further university level learning. I love design. And content. I love tinkering with sites like this. I tried a C++ course once and realized that wasn't my thing, yet the gap between design and code these days seems to be shrinking. Not only do the same agencies deal with both - with combined efforts from programmer/designer side - but plenty of talented individuals really delve as deep into one side of the business as the other one. The old cliche that programmers focus only on the functional aspects of something - and how the design always comes second and ends up looking like shit - doesn't seem to apply anymore.

Maybe for some. I don't see it though. Everyone's hella talented these days.

I've never considered the opposite as much. That those who consider themselves primarily designers might focus all too much on the visual, and that their work instead ends up lacking in functionality. Does that apply? I feel like functionality's a part of design too. Interface design is a thing. It just might be my specialty. Though implementing desired interface functionality in code if it isn't there already, if you don't have a programmer to help you with it, is another beast entirely.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this kind of work.

Computer work.

I doubt by the burdens that pile, and observe for a while, it's so verdant outside, as I curl in denial, always bursting with rhymes, never searching to fly, only biding my time while the vultures come circle. A circle of jerks.

I'm a worldly observer.

But really though. Stressed out.

Don't want to let the company down, but can't keep going like this all too long either. Energy depletes, focus becomes a challenge, getting up in the morning's difficult, I try all sorts of self-affirmation tricks but no serious meditation yet. Momentary experimentation only goes so far. D-vitamin no longer seems to be the cure-all for my winter depression... cause this no longer has much to do with winter does it? No darkness is due. Our weather's beautiful. Both sun and snow for three weeks now. It's incredible. I should be so uplifted.

Nor do the cold showers kickstart me as they initially used to. Nor does coffee work as a viable replacement for that kick - it just gives me a headache if I skip a cup, and deep-breathing, music, writing, all this shizzle... it's not enough! Not when I'm not actually doing something about my great hurdle; keep on letting it grow to unsustainable proportions. Some day it's gonna fall.

My job. Such a central part in life. Whether it's me or them - or a combination thereof - I need to either regain a sense of purpose and peace or get the fuck out of here. Find something that truly matters. That gets me where I want to be. That lets me feel free. Or more so just: let's me feel.

Something good. Something real. Something that syncs with my ideals.

For now though: venting. This work thing. Lamenting. I'm searching. But spending. Still maybe a bit too much time on other things... but some of those are grueling too. Overload. The usual cue. No true solution, so do I brood. Hopefully, slowly, moving through. Work.

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